so tired.

I go to bed exhausted, I awake exhausted.
I’m barely sleeping, or at least sleeping so light that the slightest motion or noise wakes me.

I want to not feel like puking all the time. I eat as much as I can during the day and before I go home, cause once I’m there I’m too upset to ingest anything.
I want to not have a pounding headache the moment I wake up. (probably a side effect of the not eating/not sleeping/body tension from suppressing sobs)

I can’t really talk about it to anyone as I will A) burst into tears or B) land the ear of someone who doesn’t “get” it and will give me that incredulous eye-rolling look of “it’s just a fucking cat”. My boss being one of them.
He has never had a pet. He has never lost anyone or anything. He doesn’t understand grief. I don’t think he would get that there are physical manifestations of emotions that well up on specific anniversaries, even unconsciously. One day you’re just devastatingly sad for no reason, then you look at the calendar, and are immediately validated for feeling that way.

With each experience, the scab gets picked off, and the “blood” that flows is the memory of all of those previous experiences. Continue reading “so tired.”

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Is this what a Mid-life crisis feels like?

If I were a man, I’d be wearing inappropriate clothes, bedding inappropriate and age deficient women, and driving around in an inappropriate car. I seriously hate being around myself right now. (Apparently 2011 is the “Year of the perma-funk”) I try to celebrate the small joys and victories, but they are overshadowed and outweighed by the perpetual bullshit. Fuck! I scream “Snap out of it!!” … Continue reading Is this what a Mid-life crisis feels like?

and so it… ends? begins? stays the same?

Date: January 3rd
Mood: dark and thinky

Well, I guess technically my “vacation” officially ends tomorrow morning. (though I was working on and off throughout the break, including today, so I don’t feel as rested as I should)

Hopefully what will also end is this mung. Yesterday I sniffled and sneezed and snotted with such velocity I swear I lost brain matter. Today it, The Plague ™, had settled into my throat/chest. Not much blowing/sneezing, but rather that feeling of being weighted down, or sat upon by a large mammal. Continue reading “and so it… ends? begins? stays the same?”

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes…

How do you measure, a year in the life?

One day at a time I guess. Though I don’t intend on posting daily. At least I’m not setting myself up for that epic failure on only the first day. 😉

365 Days. 52 Weeks. 12 Months.

I can promise a minimum of 12 posts in 2o11. How’s that for a lofty goal? Continue reading “Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes…”