Tag Archives: sadness

Happy? Father’s Day 

Gosh I miss my dad. Life keeps spiralling lately, and I feel very… untethered, like I could blow away at any moment. I’ve lost all confidence in myself… again… only he’s not here to tell me it’s all gonna be ok, to “give my head a shake”, or to cook me that ridiculous meal of liver and spinach (because he was always worried I wasn’t eating right)

20yrs gone and I can only faintly remember his voice, but I will always always remember how he made me feel. Continue reading Happy? Father’s Day 

Letting it happen…

Since I always wait too long between posts (clearly not an issue this week, sorry… #brainvomit)
I miss out on marking the little joys and little sadness’s that I experience in my days and weeks.
So here is a little humpday update..

Today’s little sadness’s:

1) I’m just not feeling well this week. Not sure if it’s the weather, or hormones, or just general malaise. I’ve had insomnia, which leads to the least restful sleep imaginable. This is followed by waking up tired, anxious and filled with nausea. Add to that the pounding headache, and the last 2 days have been less than enjoyable. Plus I’ve had this weird heightened “emotional” undercurrent. Not sad, just on the edge… if that makes any sense.

Now, that I’m thinking of it, I haven’t had coffee for 3 days, and I also haven’t really had sugar (at least ‘added’ sugar) Any sweetness has been via fruit and coconut water. So maybe this is withdrawal of some sort.

Because I haven’t felt very well, I haven’t eaten very well, or at least very much. Today was better intake wise. I’m hoping I’ll wake up and not feel sick, which will allow me to eat right away, and kick the day off properly.

If not, well, I’m gonna start the day with a big, sugary Coffee and just get on with it! LOL!

2) The object of my affections appeared on twitter today, posted a couple of times, disappeared. So of course I browsed through his past tweets this week. He seems to be engaging with others… but not me. Ain’t chemistry and the lack thereof grand?

3) I’m starting to stress a little about next week. ugh… Next week oughta be fun. I’m trying to figure out how I can sequester myself in the media centre so as not to find myself in some awkward situations/conversations with not only him, but some other folks as well. I always feel like the chess club nerd forced to sit with the jocks & cheerleaders in the cafeteria.

I think I will spend as little time as possible in the actual press room, and when I am in there, I will be wearing headphones… #survivaltactics

Ok enough of that!
On to today’s little victories:

1) My racing roomie Carol and I booked our Baltimore weekend. I find it easier to deal with the day to day mundane bullshit if there is a big dangling carrot ahead of me. Baltimore is the big dangling carrot. (there are two races in between, but Baltimore is a flyaway race, and will essentially be my season finale) We got a pretty decent rate at a hotel right beside the track *yay* that offers complimentary breakfast and free wifi. Woot!

2) My travel agent Ryan (from FlightCentre) is a fucking rockstar! He managed to think of a route I hadn’t considered, that is saving me almost $500 on my flight. Sure it’s an hour from Washington to Baltimore, but I’ll take an hour drive in a $52 Supershuttle van over $500 anyday!

3) I’m going to the Blue Jays game on Friday night, and decided to quickly google “gluten free options” at Rogers Stadium. There are a bunch! Even Gluten Free Beer! How happy will I be to sit and eat and drink a beer just like all the other fans on Friday night! #notafreak

4) I discovered a new gluten free bread, local, homemade & organic, and fricken delicious! Jennifer’s Original Black rice bread. It was soft to the touch like fresh bread when I bought it. It looks a little purple inside actually, but the texture is almost (almost) like pumpernickel! Usually rice bread has a smelly sock odor, but this just smells like whole grain bread. It toasts up like a dream, and is soft, with a great mouth feel untoasted. And it’s a little larger than most of the breads out there, so you’re not forced to make two tiny sandwiches, but rather one normal sized one. I froze a few slices to test the “thawability”. I like that it’s organic and I can identify all of the ingredients. (and it’s made locally)

So more victories than not, and tangible ones too. Not bad.

I have just been letting the days “happen” this week. Working in intermittent spurts. Cleaning in intermittent spurts. Writing in intermittent spurts. I’m still trying to find my natural rhythm. When I wake up feeling well, I’m full of physical energy right off the bat, so this is a good time for a quick chores run. I’m also pretty efficient with tasks in the morning, and lots of ideas. In the afternoon, I wane a little, I’m a little more wistful. So this is a good time for research and writing and reading, with a little bit of physical stuff thrown in to wake me up. I’m really fighting the nap urge, especially this week with the insomnia.

as if on cue… a yawn! That is a good sign.
Happy thoughts, Happy dreams, tomorrow is another fresh start.