Not so Happy Father’s Day…

DadMeSome years, Father’s day comes and goes without a second thought for me.
Others, like this year for instance, the lead up is like a slow burn of stinging emotions.
Life is rather shite for me at the moment. Strike that…
*try to find the positive spin Michele… *
Life is a tad “transitional” at the moment, and it’s left me feeling rather raw and exposed emotionally.
A little like a tightrope walker without a net. Continue reading “Not so Happy Father’s Day…”

Full Circle…

And then you look up and look around, and make a conscious shift in your attitude…
and suddenly the world seems a little less… dark.

So, I struggled with myself on the way home after work.
I knew I had to eat, but I also knew I had no food in my house.
I knew I wasn’t overly hungry, so my annual Keg dinner was out.
I knew I wanted company, but wanted ultimately to be alone.
I wanted the the comfort of a familiar place, familiar food and the company of strangers.

So I decided somewhere along the commute that I was taking myself for tapas and tequila. I hoped it would be quiet in there as it was early, and it was. I got myself a table by an electrical outlet, plugged in my computer, and started to write what was swirling around in my head (see note)

I announced to the waitress that it was my birthday (the first official out loud proclamation of said occasion on this day) and that I was treating myself to dinner out. Continue reading “Full Circle…”

Smile though your heart is breaking…

On Wednesday morning, with my bags packed at the door, I lay on the floor of my bedroom with my companion of 21 yrs and thanked him for being such a good little buddy. I pet him for as long as he would allow, then I kissed him on his furry little brow and told him if he was ready, he could go, and I would understand, and that I loved him.

Shortly after midnight Monday, I walked through my door and into my bedroom,  and as I had sensed would happen, he had passed while I was away

I sobbed for hours last night until I exhausted myself enough to sleep for about 2 and then the minute my eyes opened the tears started again. Continue reading “Smile though your heart is breaking…”

so tired.

I go to bed exhausted, I awake exhausted.
I’m barely sleeping, or at least sleeping so light that the slightest motion or noise wakes me.

I want to not feel like puking all the time. I eat as much as I can during the day and before I go home, cause once I’m there I’m too upset to ingest anything.
I want to not have a pounding headache the moment I wake up. (probably a side effect of the not eating/not sleeping/body tension from suppressing sobs)

I can’t really talk about it to anyone as I will A) burst into tears or B) land the ear of someone who doesn’t “get” it and will give me that incredulous eye-rolling look of “it’s just a fucking cat”. My boss being one of them.
He has never had a pet. He has never lost anyone or anything. He doesn’t understand grief. I don’t think he would get that there are physical manifestations of emotions that well up on specific anniversaries, even unconsciously. One day you’re just devastatingly sad for no reason, then you look at the calendar, and are immediately validated for feeling that way.

With each experience, the scab gets picked off, and the “blood” that flows is the memory of all of those previous experiences. Continue reading “so tired.”

it’s just a matter of time now…

My cat is dying. (yes I know… not very positive, sorry)

But it’s a reality that I face now every morning when I wake up and he’s not on the end of my bed.
Every afternoon when I walk in the door after work and he doesn’t greet me.
Every night when I go to bed and he doesn’t “tuck me in”.
It’s like he’s slowing weaning me off of him, so it won’t be as much of a shock when he finally lets go and leaves me.

He is not in any discernible pain from what I can surmise. He is just very slow, and weakening. He is still managing to drink water and eat a few pieces of kibble, but mostly he just sleeps.

And my heart is breaking into a thousand little pieces every day anticipating the inevitable. It feels like someone has a hold of my heart and is just squeezing it.
I feel like I’m suffocating. Continue reading “it’s just a matter of time now…”