Tag Archives: Resolutions

2016 Resolution – January overview

I made a very simple resolution this year – Seek Kindness

1) be kind to myself

2) change the conversation in my head

3) find the positive in every situation spiraling into the darkness.

This isn’t something measurable really, nor is it something I can boast about on my social media channels as some sort of accountability exercise. (Such as marking the number of days smoke free, or another pound/inch lost)

I am the sole “accountabilibuddy” on this journey. No one but me hears the conversations in my head. The vile, mean thoughts aimed at myself. (Thanks god!)
So I am the only one who can who can intervene.

Happy New Year! (Birthday)

2013-09-12 22.07.31It’s funny, I think of birthdays as the beginning of a new year. This is the day I make the resolutions. This is the day I look back and reflect. This is the day I take stock, make plans, move forward.

Today, like every birthday in my 4th decade on the planet, I spent my day flying solo, letting the universe dictate my plans. I prefer it that way. I never know how I’m going to feel about the day. I hate making plans and then having them change. I hate being let down. So if it’s just me, I am in total control. (there’s that pesky Virgo coming out)

The funny part is that up until I went to bed last night, I planned to just boycott the day.

I was so miserable this week that the thought of celebrating anything was foreign to me.

I was sad, angry, bitter, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, stuck, empty, frustrated, scared, and on, and on, and on…

Then this morning I woke up and it was like a switch had been flipped. I felt light. I didn’t, for the first time in months, feel like tears would spill over onto my cheeks any second. My giant, gorgeous sunflowers were the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. (great planning on my part to buy them last night and put them in my bedroom so I could enjoy them first thing!) I later found out that there was some sort of planetary action (Venus I think) that was bringing everyone down, that ended last night. How awesome that I am so in tune with my body/emotions to feel the shift!

My day actually got started rather late. I lay in bed responding to the wall full of birthday greetings. #humblebrag I feel it’s only right to respond individually to each one, as they took a moment out of their day to acknowledge mine. I respond in kind, mimicking their greeting style, and personalizing it where I can. It’s fun. (and a lot of work keeping up! which is a good problem to have!) Of course even with, as of this time (9:17pm to be exact) 172 greetings on my wall, my heart breaks for the few that are missing. Why do we do that?! It’s like a slap in the face to the ones that did care enough to mark my day, and yet, it doesn’t remove the sting of the slight of those you once gave your heart to unconditionally…

I had work to do (sensible responsible moi) and was in no particular rush as I had no set plans. The air was brisk (Downright cold actually) which made me very happy. It meant I could wear my fave comfy layers of clothes, and make up, and not melt! *Meesh loves Fall!!*

As I am wont to do, I gathered my note book, my laptop, and my iphone (you never know when the inspiration will strike or how you will want to document it) and headed out to see what the universe had in store…

While on the subway, I saw a sticker for “lucky13 Tattoo Parlor” … was this a sign? I have been contemplating a tattoo all week… Today is the 13th… in 2013… perhaps it was time? Only problem is I don’t know what I want. Maybe it would come to me when I was sitting in the chair? … time would tell.

In the meantime, a work delivery took me to the west end of town, around the corner from a hair salon that had been recommended to me when I was given a gift certificate to use there to get my hair cut… 2 yrs ago. Once bitten, twice shy, I have real trust issues with hair salons after the last butchering. So I thought, well, since I’m out this way, I will simply go in and get a consult, and feel the vibe…

Well, when I got there, there was no one in the salon. It was perfect timing. I was able to ask questions, get a consult, and let my gut suss out the place.

2013-09-13 15.36.53-22hrs later I was walking down the street with a new do! and a new hairdresser! I’m all about finding the perfect gay boys to do my do. He was fab! We clicked instantly! And we chatted the whole time about everything and anything! There were so many sympatico moments, it was as if the universe planned the whole thing out without our being aware of it. He even remarked that he had been having a blah day, but I was making him feel better! I love that! OH, and when I switched wallets, I actually put the coupons in there, “just in case”

Being at the other end of the city, meant new stores, restaurants, etc… to explore. It meant treating myself to different things. It meant a whole new batch of people I could declare “it’s my birthday!!” to. Yes, I do that. I’ve always been a dork like that. Though I don’t like to plan get-togethers or parties, I do like to let people in on the “secret”. Hell, I’m proud to have made it to 48! That’s 13 more years on earth than my mother lived. (whoa! theres that 13 again!) That’s 13 more years than I thought I would live. Birthdays aren’t about gifts really. They are about treating yourself. They are about celebrating the little things. They are about bacon poutine, and salted caramel macarons, and margaritas. They are about traditions (The Keg) and new experiences (an hour in an olive oil and spice store, tasting exotic oils and vinegars, and smelling jars of spices from around the world)

Anyway… I’m on adult beverage #2, and possibly have a friend joining me for drinks/snacks soon. (actually, he just informed me an hour after he said he might join me, that he is still at home walking his dog… :facepalm:) (argh!!) Anyhoo…  Just wanted to document the big day while I’m still sober enough to remember.

There are other things on my mind… but I will save them for another day…

it’s just another New Year’s Eve…

it’s just another Auld Lang Syne…

Just read over my obligatory NYE look back/look ahead from Dec 31, 2010.
Wow.
It’s funny, I think I was in an angrier place then, than I am now, which is really hard to believe. Actually, the more I think about it, maybe it’s not so hard to believe.
A lot of the same things that happened to piss me off in 2011 happened in 2010 too. Guess by the 2nd round of bullshit, the rage wasn’t as intense… more like resignation.

As much as it would be easy to point the finger of blame outward, it really comes down to the fact that for another entire calendar year, I allowed the same shit to happen.
I allowed myself to be a doormat.
I allowed myself to be used.
I allowed myself to be less than.
I allowed others to force me to shine less bright.

Why? Fear.
Fear of change.
Fear of letting others down.
Fear of not being liked.
Fear of being blamed.

But you know what the result of giving into that fear and not standing up for myself was?
Change happened anyway.
I ended up letting others down.
I wasn’t liked by some.
I was blamed by some.

So… to recap: not taking a chance, and not putting myself first, resulted in the same things happening that may or may not have happened had I made the leap.
Only difference is, I ended up the most miserable of all, and much worse off.

That said, I learned in the waning months of 2011:
Life happens all around you to everyone else, while you’re making plans for “someday”.
There is no guarantee that “someday” will ever come.
If you seek answers, be prepared to get them, and that they may not be the ones you want
Bad things happen to good people.
Trust your gut, it is right 99.9% of the time.
Control is a myth.
A life spent angry and sad is a life wasted.

So 2012 is the year I embrace the change.
The year I embrace the fear.
The year I embrace me.

A recent insultiment* was the final catalyst to the decision to step off of this treadmill going nowhere and put myself and my own well-being first. (*Insultament: when someone, intentionally or misguidedly, pays you a compliment that is actually huge insult)
Add to that three consecutive sleepless nights filled nightmares at the thought of returning to work tomorrow, and well, it’s just not worth the discomfort.

Will there be people that are hurt by my impending decisions? Yes.
Will I disappoint someone. Probably.
Will I be better off? Who knows.
Will I be happier? No way to know until I take the leap.

For all I know this will be a “grass is greener” situation, and I could end up regretting my decision(s) at this time next year.

That said, I do know is this:
I can not spend one more day being inauthentic.
I can not spend one more day biting my tongue.
I can not spend one more day being angry.
I can not spend one more day on the inside looking out.
I can not spend one more day living MY life for someone else.

I may have 40 more years ahead of me (god forbid) or I may have 4. Who knows.
But either way, I do not want to have one more regret.

I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to shine as brightly as I want.
I deserve respect.
I deserve to LIVE MY LIFE BY MY RULES FOR ME!

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes…

How do you measure, a year in the life?

One day at a time I guess. Though I don’t intend on posting daily. At least I’m not setting myself up for that epic failure on only the first day. 😉

365 Days. 52 Weeks. 12 Months.

I can promise a minimum of 12 posts in 2o11. How’s that for a lofty goal? Continue reading Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes…

The obligatory self-absorbed year-end reflection…

My horoscope on the final day of 2010…

“Today you may get the opportunity to feel proud of yourself. But don’t let things get too out of hand. It isn’t often that you allow yourself this little bit of narcissism. Everything you say will be pertinent, and people will let you know. For once, the stars are giving you the opportunity to cater to your own ego, so take advantage of it!”

Everyone is making resolutions, being grateful for the year that’s past and the year that lays ahead.

I do not want to do that. I don’t want to make big plans. I don’t want to believe that this coming year is going to be any better than any of the years just past.
I don’t want to make a list of lofty goals and fill my plate with a bunch of crap to satisfy everyone else’s idea of who I am and who I should want to be. Continue reading The obligatory self-absorbed year-end reflection…