Tag Archives: reflection

What is my Purpose? 

I was recently contemplating my purpose in life and feeling bad about essentially not really having one.

Then today I thought about all the doors I hold open, all the heavy bags, shopping carts, and strollers I help carry up and down stairs, and on and off streetcars.
All the coffees and sandwiches I buy for people on the street.
All the scarves and mittens and hats I chase after people with to return to their rightful owner.
All the directions I give, and questions I answer for random strangers.
All the babies I distract mid-meltdown so mommy (or daddy) can get through the checkout line …

And that’s when it dawned on me… Maybe my purpose in life isn’t one thing, or title, or grand gesture, but rather the multitude of tiny random acts of kindness and servitude I provide during daily travels.

We can’t all be Steve Jobs or Oprah.

Someone had to hold the door open for them 😉

Thankful…

Sometimes, some days, the hardest sentiment to muster up is “thankful”

Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot if things to be thankful for, and everyday I quietly express gratitude for a moment, or a thing, or a person in my life that day.

But some days it is a forced expression, particularly on the day/weekend you are expected to express it.

You see for all the things I am thankful/grateful for, there are a half dozen things I am ungraciously, very selfishly unthankful for.

I’m aware of what an ass that makes me, and I’m not proud of it, but in the same way a bout of unhappiness helps you to know and appreciate the headiness of great joy, I think stewing in the juices of selfish want or “woe is me” teaches you to be grateful/thankful for what you do have.

It’s learning to move past the negative and acknowledge the positive that is the trick.

So this year I’m grateful to still be self sufficient despite some hardships.

After being betrayed, disappointed, and abandoned by a few, I’m grateful for the amazing, inspirational, strong, beautiful men and women who have come into my life this year, have chosen to stay, and continue to inspire me in ways large and small.

I’m grateful that I’ve been able to unlock the gate to the tall, sturdy, reinforced fence around my heart to welcome the possibility of love in my life again.

I’m grateful for the fur baby who will become part of my life this month (who I’m going to hang out with this afternoon) I think having another living, breathing presence in my home will be a welcome change. It will be nice to have another purpose and someone happy to see me when I walk through the door.

I’m thankful for the self awareness I possess. And for the knowledge that when I feel that my life is spiralling out of control, the truth is I am always in control of my own thoughts, actions, and choices. The onus is on me to make the right ones.

I’m thankful for sunny days, and hot coffee, and cool nights, and cozy blankets, and interesting conversations, and non-traditional celebrations.

I’m thankful I’m able to see beauty and humour on a daily basis. I can’t imagine a day without a belly laugh or a teary eyed smile.

I’m thankful for my bright eyes, my strong legs, my long hair, my hearty laugh, my sarcastic wit, and my always genuine, too-toothy smile.

I’m thankful for my sense of empathy, my self deprecating sense of humour, and even for the days my stomach churns with anger and jealousy, as I know it means that there is some fight left in me and I still believe I deserve better for myself in this life. And I am truly thankful for deep down, aesthetics aside, really liking who I am and the woman I continue to evolve into, flaws and all, everyone else be damned. 😉

Happy Thanksgiving cyber strangers and friends!

Happy New Year! (Birthday)

2013-09-12 22.07.31It’s funny, I think of birthdays as the beginning of a new year. This is the day I make the resolutions. This is the day I look back and reflect. This is the day I take stock, make plans, move forward.

Today, like every birthday in my 4th decade on the planet, I spent my day flying solo, letting the universe dictate my plans. I prefer it that way. I never know how I’m going to feel about the day. I hate making plans and then having them change. I hate being let down. So if it’s just me, I am in total control. (there’s that pesky Virgo coming out)

The funny part is that up until I went to bed last night, I planned to just boycott the day.

I was so miserable this week that the thought of celebrating anything was foreign to me.

I was sad, angry, bitter, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, stuck, empty, frustrated, scared, and on, and on, and on…

Then this morning I woke up and it was like a switch had been flipped. I felt light. I didn’t, for the first time in months, feel like tears would spill over onto my cheeks any second. My giant, gorgeous sunflowers were the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. (great planning on my part to buy them last night and put them in my bedroom so I could enjoy them first thing!) I later found out that there was some sort of planetary action (Venus I think) that was bringing everyone down, that ended last night. How awesome that I am so in tune with my body/emotions to feel the shift!

My day actually got started rather late. I lay in bed responding to the wall full of birthday greetings. #humblebrag I feel it’s only right to respond individually to each one, as they took a moment out of their day to acknowledge mine. I respond in kind, mimicking their greeting style, and personalizing it where I can. It’s fun. (and a lot of work keeping up! which is a good problem to have!) Of course even with, as of this time (9:17pm to be exact) 172 greetings on my wall, my heart breaks for the few that are missing. Why do we do that?! It’s like a slap in the face to the ones that did care enough to mark my day, and yet, it doesn’t remove the sting of the slight of those you once gave your heart to unconditionally…

I had work to do (sensible responsible moi) and was in no particular rush as I had no set plans. The air was brisk (Downright cold actually) which made me very happy. It meant I could wear my fave comfy layers of clothes, and make up, and not melt! *Meesh loves Fall!!*

As I am wont to do, I gathered my note book, my laptop, and my iphone (you never know when the inspiration will strike or how you will want to document it) and headed out to see what the universe had in store…

While on the subway, I saw a sticker for “lucky13 Tattoo Parlor” … was this a sign? I have been contemplating a tattoo all week… Today is the 13th… in 2013… perhaps it was time? Only problem is I don’t know what I want. Maybe it would come to me when I was sitting in the chair? … time would tell.

In the meantime, a work delivery took me to the west end of town, around the corner from a hair salon that had been recommended to me when I was given a gift certificate to use there to get my hair cut… 2 yrs ago. Once bitten, twice shy, I have real trust issues with hair salons after the last butchering. So I thought, well, since I’m out this way, I will simply go in and get a consult, and feel the vibe…

Well, when I got there, there was no one in the salon. It was perfect timing. I was able to ask questions, get a consult, and let my gut suss out the place.

2013-09-13 15.36.53-22hrs later I was walking down the street with a new do! and a new hairdresser! I’m all about finding the perfect gay boys to do my do. He was fab! We clicked instantly! And we chatted the whole time about everything and anything! There were so many sympatico moments, it was as if the universe planned the whole thing out without our being aware of it. He even remarked that he had been having a blah day, but I was making him feel better! I love that! OH, and when I switched wallets, I actually put the coupons in there, “just in case”

Being at the other end of the city, meant new stores, restaurants, etc… to explore. It meant treating myself to different things. It meant a whole new batch of people I could declare “it’s my birthday!!” to. Yes, I do that. I’ve always been a dork like that. Though I don’t like to plan get-togethers or parties, I do like to let people in on the “secret”. Hell, I’m proud to have made it to 48! That’s 13 more years on earth than my mother lived. (whoa! theres that 13 again!) That’s 13 more years than I thought I would live. Birthdays aren’t about gifts really. They are about treating yourself. They are about celebrating the little things. They are about bacon poutine, and salted caramel macarons, and margaritas. They are about traditions (The Keg) and new experiences (an hour in an olive oil and spice store, tasting exotic oils and vinegars, and smelling jars of spices from around the world)

Anyway… I’m on adult beverage #2, and possibly have a friend joining me for drinks/snacks soon. (actually, he just informed me an hour after he said he might join me, that he is still at home walking his dog… :facepalm:) (argh!!) Anyhoo…  Just wanted to document the big day while I’m still sober enough to remember.

There are other things on my mind… but I will save them for another day…