Happy New Year?

Ok, back to the original purge at hand… This is just a big ol pity party brain purge. I’m completely blocked to any other creative ventures right now as my brain is full with “pity poo”. So, I’m dumping it in an attempt to open my neural pathways and spark some creativity, and motivation, and perhaps some hope…*you have been warned* My news feed,ย  twitter … Continue reading Happy New Year?

Ever been so angrysaddissapointedfrustrated…

that you just want to un-follow/block the world? Ya… It’s been one of those days. I can’t tell if it’s really as bad as I think/feel it is, or if it’s my raging hormones messing with my emotions, or a combination of both. I’m trying really hard not to have a “woe is me” pity party, while at the same time trying not to point … Continue reading Ever been so angrysaddissapointedfrustrated…

Moratorium on Morbidity…

This blog was titled “Fast.Food.Focus” to cover the three things I love: Racing, Food, and Photography, yet, lately it’s turned into a durge of morose anecdotes and whining. Even I’m screaming “shut the fuck up bitch! You’re boring me!” So, I’m going to make a concerted effort for the next little while to get back to the basics, and find my positive, motivated voice, and … Continue reading Moratorium on Morbidity…

full circle…

angry.

I was so angry last night. Like spitting mad angry. Stomach churning, eyes burning a hole through things angry.

I HATE being that mad.

I almost opened the computer and let loose, but instead I tried to distract myself through tv and reading. That didn’t really work, but it made me calm down enough to go to bed.

My cat helped to. He was all purry and cuddly and “love me mommy” which again makes you stop and check yourself. Continue reading “full circle…”

Lost…

I feel like I am drowning in my own existence.

I don’t understand how I can have a fulltime job and a part time job, and yet be so strapped for cash that I can’t do ANYTHING!

I don’t understand how having “security” is actually less secure and more stressful than the days I did contract work and didn’t know where or when the next job was coming from.

The things that make me happy, don’t anymore. For a plethora of reasons. Mostly though because I’m too poor to enjoy them.

I would love to go to a show. Can’t. Poor.
I would love to take a course of some sort. (cooking, photography,) Can’t Poor.
I would love to buy a cute little summer outfit or two. Can’t. Poor. (and fat)
I would love to go to one of those amazing restaurants I read about or walk by, filled with happy rich people stuffing their faces with delicious food while washing it down with fancy looking drinks. Can’t. Poor. (and fat, and alone)
I would love to… bah… you get the picture.

I walk around aimlessly most days, figuratively and literally, “window shopping” everyone else’s lives while they actually live them. Continue reading “Lost…”

Is this what a Mid-life crisis feels like?

If I were a man, I’d be wearing inappropriate clothes, bedding inappropriate and age deficient women, and driving around in an inappropriate car. I seriously hate being around myself right now. (Apparently 2011 is the “Year of the perma-funk”) I try to celebrate the small joys and victories, but they are overshadowed and outweighed by the perpetual bullshit. Fuck! I scream “Snap out of it!!” … Continue reading Is this what a Mid-life crisis feels like?

The obligatory self-absorbed year-end reflection…

My horoscope on the final day of 2010…

“Today you may get the opportunity to feel proud of yourself. But don’t let things get too out of hand. It isn’t often that you allow yourself this little bit of narcissism. Everything you say will be pertinent, and people will let you know. For once, the stars are giving you the opportunity to cater to your own ego, so take advantage of it!”

Everyone is making resolutions, being grateful for the year that’s past and the year that lays ahead.

I do not want to do that. I don’t want to make big plans. I don’t want to believe that this coming year is going to be any better than any of the years just past.
I don’t want to make a list of lofty goals and fill my plate with a bunch of crap to satisfy everyone else’s idea of who I am and who I should want to be. Continue reading “The obligatory self-absorbed year-end reflection…”