it’s just another Auld Lang Syne…
Just read over my obligatory NYE look back/look ahead from Dec 31, 2010.
It’s funny, I think I was in an angrier place then, than I am now, which is really hard to believe. Actually, the more I think about it, maybe it’s not so hard to believe.
A lot of the same things that happened to piss me off in 2011 happened in 2010 too. Guess by the 2nd round of bullshit, the rage wasn’t as intense… more like resignation.
As much as it would be easy to point the finger of blame outward, it really comes down to the fact that for another entire calendar year, I allowed the same shit to happen.
I allowed myself to be a doormat.
I allowed myself to be used.
I allowed myself to be less than.
I allowed others to force me to shine less bright.
Fear of change.
Fear of letting others down.
Fear of not being liked.
Fear of being blamed.
But you know what the result of giving into that fear and not standing up for myself was?
Change happened anyway.
I ended up letting others down.
I wasn’t liked by some.
I was blamed by some.
So… to recap: not taking a chance, and not putting myself first, resulted in the same things happening that may or may not have happened had I made the leap.
Only difference is, I ended up the most miserable of all, and much worse off.
That said, I learned in the waning months of 2011:
Life happens all around you to everyone else, while you’re making plans for “someday”.
There is no guarantee that “someday” will ever come.
If you seek answers, be prepared to get them, and that they may not be the ones you want
Bad things happen to good people.
Trust your gut, it is right 99.9% of the time.
Control is a myth.
A life spent angry and sad is a life wasted.
So 2012 is the year I embrace the change.
The year I embrace the fear.
The year I embrace me.
A recent insultiment* was the final catalyst to the decision to step off of this treadmill going nowhere and put myself and my own well-being first. (*Insultament: when someone, intentionally or misguidedly, pays you a compliment that is actually huge insult)
Add to that three consecutive sleepless nights filled nightmares at the thought of returning to work tomorrow, and well, it’s just not worth the discomfort.
Will there be people that are hurt by my impending decisions? Yes.
Will I disappoint someone. Probably.
Will I be better off? Who knows.
Will I be happier? No way to know until I take the leap.
For all I know this will be a “grass is greener” situation, and I could end up regretting my decision(s) at this time next year.
That said, I do know is this:
I can not spend one more day being inauthentic.
I can not spend one more day biting my tongue.
I can not spend one more day being angry.
I can not spend one more day on the inside looking out.
I can not spend one more day living MY life for someone else.
I may have 40 more years ahead of me (god forbid) or I may have 4. Who knows.
But either way, I do not want to have one more regret.
I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to shine as brightly as I want.
I deserve respect.
I deserve to LIVE MY LIFE BY MY RULES FOR ME!