I was brave…

I had one of those “ah-ha!” moments when I was walking home last night, the last leg of my journey on a blissful day of little moments that added up to great joy. I was thinking about the blog post I had just finished writing and trying to think back to where this deep seated guilt over my relationship with my brother came from… then I remembered.
The letter.

Continue reading “I was brave…”

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Lost…

I feel like I am drowning in my own existence.

I don’t understand how I can have a fulltime job and a part time job, and yet be so strapped for cash that I can’t do ANYTHING!

I don’t understand how having “security” is actually less secure and more stressful than the days I did contract work and didn’t know where or when the next job was coming from.

The things that make me happy, don’t anymore. For a plethora of reasons. Mostly though because I’m too poor to enjoy them.

I would love to go to a show. Can’t. Poor.
I would love to take a course of some sort. (cooking, photography,) Can’t Poor.
I would love to buy a cute little summer outfit or two. Can’t. Poor. (and fat)
I would love to go to one of those amazing restaurants I read about or walk by, filled with happy rich people stuffing their faces with delicious food while washing it down with fancy looking drinks. Can’t. Poor. (and fat, and alone)
I would love to… bah… you get the picture.

I walk around aimlessly most days, figuratively and literally, “window shopping” everyone else’s lives while they actually live them. Continue reading “Lost…”

Is this what a Mid-life crisis feels like?

If I were a man, I’d be wearing inappropriate clothes, bedding inappropriate and age deficient women, and driving around in an inappropriate car. I seriously hate being around myself right now. (Apparently 2011 is the “Year of the perma-funk”) I try to celebrate the small joys and victories, but they are overshadowed and outweighed by the perpetual bullshit. Fuck! I scream “Snap out of it!!” … Continue reading Is this what a Mid-life crisis feels like?

Happy day?

I don’t know about you, but for the last week or so I’ve been bombarded by the media making grandiose claims while providing wide sweeping definitions of “sexiness” and “love” and “happiness” in the lead up to the biggest fabricated “holiday” on the greeting card calendar. But what of those of us who don’t fit in the box created by societies stringent standards? Are we … Continue reading Happy day?

Finding the “Happy”

For the second time in as many days, I found myself sitting at Indigo awaiting an author to regale me with wit and wisdom. Last night was Gretchen Rubin,ย  the lady who wrote “The Happiness Project” (the night before it was Chris Guillebeau “The Art of Non-Conformity”) Are you sensing a theme yet? yes, I’m seeking. I’m seeking my happy. I want my job to … Continue reading Finding the “Happy”