so tired.

I go to bed exhausted, I awake exhausted.
I’m barely sleeping, or at least sleeping so light that the slightest motion or noise wakes me.

I want to not feel like puking all the time. I eat as much as I can during the day and before I go home, cause once I’m there I’m too upset to ingest anything.
I want to not have a pounding headache the moment I wake up. (probably a side effect of the not eating/not sleeping/body tension from suppressing sobs)

I can’t really talk about it to anyone as I will A) burst into tears or B) land the ear of someone who doesn’t “get” it and will give me that incredulous eye-rolling look of “it’s just a fucking cat”. My boss being one of them.
He has never had a pet. He has never lost anyone or anything. He doesn’t understand grief. I don’t think he would get that there are physical manifestations of emotions that well up on specific anniversaries, even unconsciously. One day you’re just devastatingly sad for no reason, then you look at the calendar, and are immediately validated for feeling that way.

With each experience, the scab gets picked off, and the “blood” that flows is the memory of all of those previous experiences. Continue reading “so tired.”

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Is this what a Mid-life crisis feels like?

If I were a man, I’d be wearing inappropriate clothes, bedding inappropriate and age deficient women, and driving around in an inappropriate car. I seriously hate being around myself right now. (Apparently 2011 is the “Year of the perma-funk”) I try to celebrate the small joys and victories, but they are overshadowed and outweighed by the perpetual bullshit. Fuck! I scream “Snap out of it!!” … Continue reading Is this what a Mid-life crisis feels like?

I looked up…

So I was a little brave and perhaps a little cheeky yesterday.

I was at the media day for the Toronto Autoshow, with my usual crew of fellow gearheads, doing our sheep like tour of new cars, collecting data sticks filled with media, and essentially playing hooky from real life for the day.

Now I don’t know if it’s the heady new car smell that puts me in such a trance, but I always find myself more attracted to the men milling about there, than say in a bar or on my commute to/from work (same goes for at the race track, a ballgame, or the market)
I think it’s the whole “of like mind” thing.

Anyway, this one fella kept catching my eye. He looked so familiar to me (or maybe I just wanted him to be familiar to me…) Tall, suited up, pleasant smile… Continue reading “I looked up…”

Reality Check…

We spend everyday “sweating the small stuff” despite being told not to in several tomes. I have several acquaintances (I hesitate to call them friends) who’s head colds lead them to proclaim they’re “dying” and for whom a hang nail would lay them up for days.

I have no patience for these folks right now.

See I have friends battling real health issues and one who is about to lose his wife within hours after a lengthy, gut wrenching, and very brave battle with cancer.

I’ve hit yet another milestone age I guess. The one in which you lose your peers. Continue reading “Reality Check…”