so tired.

I go to bed exhausted, I awake exhausted.
I’m barely sleeping, or at least sleeping so light that the slightest motion or noise wakes me.

I want to not feel like puking all the time. I eat as much as I can during the day and before I go home, cause once I’m there I’m too upset to ingest anything.
I want to not have a pounding headache the moment I wake up. (probably a side effect of the not eating/not sleeping/body tension from suppressing sobs)

I can’t really talk about it to anyone as I will A) burst into tears or B) land the ear of someone who doesn’t “get” it and will give me that incredulous eye-rolling look of “it’s just a fucking cat”. My boss being one of them.
He has never had a pet. He has never lost anyone or anything. He doesn’t understand grief. I don’t think he would get that there are physical manifestations of emotions that well up on specific anniversaries, even unconsciously. One day you’re just devastatingly sad for no reason, then you look at the calendar, and are immediately validated for feeling that way.

With each experience, the scab gets picked off, and the “blood” that flows is the memory of all of those previous experiences. Continue reading “so tired.”

Moratorium on Morbidity…

This blog was titled “Fast.Food.Focus” to cover the three things I love: Racing, Food, and Photography, yet, lately it’s turned into a durge of morose anecdotes and whining. Even I’m screaming “shut the fuck up bitch! You’re boring me!” So, I’m going to make a concerted effort for the next little while to get back to the basics, and find my positive, motivated voice, and … Continue reading Moratorium on Morbidity…

Ya done good kids!

Photo credit: Andrew Wallace/Toronto Star

Was there anything more heartbreaking than watching the glazed eyes and quivering chins of those adolescent cherubic faces on the Canadian World Junior team? I mean, most of these kids aren’t legally allowed to have a post game beer until they drive back across the border, and yet here they are, the weight of a nation bearing down on them, along with the ghosts of every big hockey game that came before theirs, and the crush of their own expectations. We cheer them like professional men, but when all is said and done, they are devastated teenage boys. It tweaked my inner Mom genes, and made me want to run out on the ice and give them all a big hug. (then slap them hard with a “snap out of it!” Cher impression) Continue reading “Ya done good kids!”

and so it… ends? begins? stays the same?

Date: January 3rd
Mood: dark and thinky

Well, I guess technically my “vacation” officially ends tomorrow morning. (though I was working on and off throughout the break, including today, so I don’t feel as rested as I should)

Hopefully what will also end is this mung. Yesterday I sniffled and sneezed and snotted with such velocity I swear I lost brain matter. Today it, The Plague ™, had settled into my throat/chest. Not much blowing/sneezing, but rather that feeling of being weighted down, or sat upon by a large mammal. Continue reading “and so it… ends? begins? stays the same?”

The obligatory self-absorbed year-end reflection…

My horoscope on the final day of 2010…

“Today you may get the opportunity to feel proud of yourself. But don’t let things get too out of hand. It isn’t often that you allow yourself this little bit of narcissism. Everything you say will be pertinent, and people will let you know. For once, the stars are giving you the opportunity to cater to your own ego, so take advantage of it!”

Everyone is making resolutions, being grateful for the year that’s past and the year that lays ahead.

I do not want to do that. I don’t want to make big plans. I don’t want to believe that this coming year is going to be any better than any of the years just past.
I don’t want to make a list of lofty goals and fill my plate with a bunch of crap to satisfy everyone else’s idea of who I am and who I should want to be. Continue reading “The obligatory self-absorbed year-end reflection…”