Update…

So, I’m still kicking, as is my resilient little shit of a cat 😉

I managed to have a couple of out loud conversations with people about what’s happening. One was with the Vet at the Animal Hospital on the way home from work.
I just, for my own piece of mind needed to know that I wasn’t causing Skitzo more distress by letting him end his journey at home. She gave me some ‘timelines’ and things to look out for and prices… (ugh… ) I selfishly hope that he’ll pass on quietly in his sleep, cause I truthfully can’t afford to put him down. (the needle, the Vet appt and the cremation would set me back about $300… I guess I should have started an emergency fund for this… hindsight and all that) Though, if it’s an emergency, the Vet hospital won’t charge (it’s a quality of life vs suffering thing). It’s all horrible to think about. Anyway, she gave me a can of this super yummy (apparently) critical care canned food. He was excited to eat a couple of bites at first, but then… meh… I think that is part of the kitty dementia. On the days that he recognizes me, he lets me pet him, he purrs, he eats. On the other days he stares right through me and sleeps.

I also got to play with the kittens at the animal hospital, and talk to one of the adoptive “mommies”. She was very kind, and asked me all sorts of questions about Skitzo. Everyone was in agreement that if my cat was 21, and up until 2wks ago, was completely healthy and happy, then I must have done something right. That made me feel much better.

I also had a nice talk and night out with Syber. She too was a cat owner, and has experienced the loss. It was nice to just talk about it out loud, and work through the emotions until I could talk about it without crying.

Anyway, I think I’ve worked through a couple of Kubler-Ross stages at this point, and now it’s just a waiting game. But I’ve made peace with what is happening now, and am functioning on a more even keel.

To those that have reached out, thank you for your support and kind words. It means the world.

 

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so tired.

I go to bed exhausted, I awake exhausted.
I’m barely sleeping, or at least sleeping so light that the slightest motion or noise wakes me.

I want to not feel like puking all the time. I eat as much as I can during the day and before I go home, cause once I’m there I’m too upset to ingest anything.
I want to not have a pounding headache the moment I wake up. (probably a side effect of the not eating/not sleeping/body tension from suppressing sobs)

I can’t really talk about it to anyone as I will A) burst into tears or B) land the ear of someone who doesn’t “get” it and will give me that incredulous eye-rolling look of “it’s just a fucking cat”. My boss being one of them.
He has never had a pet. He has never lost anyone or anything. He doesn’t understand grief. I don’t think he would get that there are physical manifestations of emotions that well up on specific anniversaries, even unconsciously. One day you’re just devastatingly sad for no reason, then you look at the calendar, and are immediately validated for feeling that way.

With each experience, the scab gets picked off, and the “blood” that flows is the memory of all of those previous experiences. Continue reading so tired.

it’s just a matter of time now…

My cat is dying. (yes I know… not very positive, sorry)

But it’s a reality that I face now every morning when I wake up and he’s not on the end of my bed.
Every afternoon when I walk in the door after work and he doesn’t greet me.
Every night when I go to bed and he doesn’t “tuck me in”.
It’s like he’s slowing weaning me off of him, so it won’t be as much of a shock when he finally lets go and leaves me.

He is not in any discernible pain from what I can surmise. He is just very slow, and weakening. He is still managing to drink water and eat a few pieces of kibble, but mostly he just sleeps.

And my heart is breaking into a thousand little pieces every day anticipating the inevitable. It feels like someone has a hold of my heart and is just squeezing it.
I feel like I’m suffocating. Continue reading it’s just a matter of time now…

Well… that wasn’t what I had in mind!

LOL! So let me get this straight… I lay the gauntlet down on negative entries, and don’t post again…? Somehow that wasn’t the intent.

What can I say… It was a stressful week after that, and by the time I had some “good” stuff to talk about, I had no time, was too tired, and then was too angry again to post. So I’m going to go back and recap.

So first… long distance dude apparently can’t be bothered to write his side of the story/feelings/whatever. He is insisting on a phone call, despite my telling him I am not “phone call” girl. Oh and when I made it abundantly clear that we will never EVER be anything more than friends (due to awkward situation) I got a one word reply and two days of silence. Then more guilt inducing “call me” texts and emails.
Instead of writing, He would rather I call him, so he can call me back and, I don’t know, plead his case? I find this all highly ironic considering he’s a writer by profession. Whatever dude.
Not gonna happen.

So last weekend, I, with the generosity of a great friend, got to attend another great friend’s wedding. This almost didn’t happen, and I would have been gutted.

See, before the summer, before I realized that despite working 40-60hrs per week I would be broke as a fucking homeless person, I had my  plans all laid out. Last weekend was to be Brad’s wedding and then on to Mid-Ohio for the race. The reality of my life however turned into me crying on my couch on Wednesday night realizing that despite my best efforts I would be unable to do either. (let alone eat for a week)

Enter Sharon!

I decided to take a chance that she would be A) available and B) willing to take a girls day road trip to drive me to Niagara for the wedding. (with a promise of a dinner later on when I have money again) Hey if you don’t ask, you don’t get right?
Turns out she was not available, but she was willing to loan me her car for the day.
Amazing.
Because of her I would not have to send one of my best friends a note saying “I’m so sorry, but I’m a giant loser and I can’t make it to your wedding”

So Saturday morning, I grabbed my camera, and Sharon’s car, and headed to Niagara.
I’m so glad I did.

When he saw me in the lobby, we hugged, and he grabbed a hold of me like I was a life preserver that someone had tossed him. To say he was nervous was an understatement. So I stole him away for about 10mins and we just talked about silly stuff to distract him. Probably my favorite moment was that I got to pin on his boutonniere. It’s usually a mother/son moment, staged with the photographer (and I’m usually, on the weddings I work, the one who actually pins it on)
But this time it was just he and I. No staging, no cameras. Just two friends sharing a moment.

Since I don’t know how to just “attend” a wedding anymore, I took a bunch of shots during the ceremony and afterwards. (it allowed me to hide my tear stained face behind my camera) Taking what I had learned over the years from shooting with Brian, I managed to get some nice shots, which I uploaded to facebook for his friends who couldn’t be there.

here is my friend and his new wife…

Moratorium on Morbidity…

This blog was titled “Fast.Food.Focus” to cover the three things I love: Racing, Food, and Photography, yet, lately it’s turned into a durge of morose anecdotes and whining. Even I’m screaming “shut the fuck up bitch! You’re boring me!”

So, I’m going to make a concerted effort for the next little while to get back to the basics, and find my positive, motivated voice, and talk about the things that I intended when I started.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life…

Things got all “real” up in here lately…

Did the writing create the drama, or did the drama encourage the writing? It’s been 3 days of brain purging.

I just poured myself into an email and pressed send.
I am spent.

*Morning After footnote*

So I literally opened myself up like a can of sardines in this email, sharing some really personal, deep insights into myself. Several paragraphs as a matter of fact, and
ended with this:
Anyway, long story short, I hope you’ll forgive me if I don’t want to engage in a phone call tonight, but it’s been pretty rough couple of days emotionally already for a multitude of other reasons, and I just feel like my nerve endings are rather exposed right now. I am for all intents and purposes, spent.

this was the reply:

There’s a lot more you need to know about my situation/perspective. OK, “need” makes me sound rather full of myself. There’s nothing anyone needs to know about me. But if you care, call.

apparently making my Men vs Boys argument moot…

Boys vs Men *with a twist ending*

So, my “Barista Boyfriend” returned this week.
He’s tall. He’s quiet. He’s got floppy, blond, surfer-dude hair.
He’s way too young. He’s totally elusive/shy.
While I noticed his absence, I’m sure he wouldn’t lose a minutes sleep if I disappeared.
He didn’t even make eye contact. pfft.

On the other hand, my “long distance man friend”
(lets just call him that for now… it’s complicated, I’ll explain later if I have to)
He sent me an email out of the blue the other night. (eerily, I had a fleeting thought about him earlier that day… spooky)
anyway… we emailed a little back and forth yesterday, where I divulged that my day wasn’t going so well, we joked about it and that was it.
Later last night I received a simple email “did your day get any better?”
See, a boy wouldn’t do that.
A man would.
And it felt nice.

And it’s all sort of surprising because I’ve known this fellow for years. We’re colleagues, sort of. He actually makes a living as a sports writer, I just pretend. *shrug* Anyway, about a month ago, we struck up a conversation online out of the blue. A day of back and forth, and Q&A, and then nothing until this week. Apparently he thought I was “lovely” the first time he met me, but kept it to himself.

I want to believe this is sincere, and unique, but my inner cynic is screaming “Cad!” “Player!”

I’m playing along for now, and screaming “la la la I can’t hear you” to my sabotaging inner voice, but I need to make an inquiry about a situation to confirm what my spidey senses are telling me…

*sound of needle scratching across record* (here comes the twist…)

well… my suspicions were just now confirmed. Though I haven’t heard his side of the “story” yet.
*sigh*
Either way, part of the “story” involves a friend, (what are the fucking odds of the first person who has shown any interest in me in YEARS being involved with a close friend?! FUCK. MY. LIFE. )

so this “flirtation” goes no further.
Hos before Bros. No Drama!

Ah well, it was nice to have a man say something to make me blush in a good way. It doesn’t happen that often.

photographer, writer, singer, traveler, virtual assistant, personal concierge, taskmaster, epicurean, tv-addict, track rat, nerdy, opinionated, Canadian, glamour-tomboy!

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