Category Archives: My Soapbox!

Turning Black Friday into White Friday

BF2WFAre you enjoying Black Friday? Did you get that super duper special just can’t resist deal on something you really REALLY wanted?

Did you actually really, really NEED what you bought?

So many people don’t have the luxury of bargain hunting on Black Friday. Everyday is a bargain hunt for them, but not for things like tv’s, and phones, and leather coats, and jewellery… but rather for milk, and bread, and vegetables, and toilet paper. Things most of us take for granted. Continue reading Turning Black Friday into White Friday

Job searching…

Should be called “soul searching” because that is what you end up doing, day in and day out…

It vacillates between exhilarating and demoralizing on any given day.

You spend hour after hour, day after day, week after week, reading description after description, thinking “OMG… I would be PERFECT for that!” Then you read the qualifications/expectations, which for the most part reads like a list of unrealistic ransom demands from a kidnapper. Or better yet, at the end of the laundry list of skills required for your perfect dream job, are the words “unpaid internship” Seriously?! Some of them are asking for degrees and years of experience, but won’t pay. Unbelievable. Continue reading Job searching…

Pulling the Trigger…

OMG… if I read one more finger-pointing diatribe against someone for using or alluding to a so-called “trigger word” (apparently the “it” catch phrase of the moment) I’m going to fucking snap.

Guess what. Every word has the potential to be a “trigger word”.
Every conversation, movie, tv episode, article, song… you name it, all potential triggers.

What did people do before the whole world decided to be so fucking politically correct and protect everyone as if their skin was the uber-sensitive viscosity of a soap bubble?

Suck it up buttercups!

Newsflash: The world is a bad place, filled with bad people, who do bad things. The world is also a wonderful place, filled with wonderful people, who do wonderful things.

Trigger words are only trigger words if YOU give them that power. Otherwise they are just a group of organized letters.

If I forced people to censor their comments, or actions, or conversations with me based on what may or may not trigger a flashback to something bad that happened to me in my life, Shit, I’d never leave my house, watch a movie, read a blog, or have a conversation again.

Yes, bad shit has happened to me, and sometimes I find myself in a situation where the band-aid gets ripped off of the not so healed/dormant memory.
You know what I do? I acknowledge it and move on. And I am stronger for it.

Stop being such pussies! Grow and pair and live your lives!

*hmm… guess I did snap… *

Dear Cereal pissers, balloon poppers, and party poopers…

TeamCanadaThis is in no way meant to invalidate your opinions, beliefs, or whatnot… Y’all are of course free to shout whatever you want from the mound in your own sandbox. But please stop dropping your giant negativity turds in the middle of my sandbox, and in celebratory threads/conversations around the interwebs.

We GET it.
There are bad people in the world. Very Bad.
There are bad things happening around the world (past, present, and future) Very Bad.
Because of that, YOU don’t want to cheer, support, or involve yourself with the Olympics. Well, then DON’T!
But please don’t deny the rest of us a little bit of national pride and pure, unadulterated joy for a couple of weeks every four years.

For 16 days, our nation, and many nations around the world, were united in the support of a group of dedicated athletes, young and old, some just starting their careers, some coming to the end of their journey, who represented us honourably, and through whom some of us lived vicariously, while they performed feats of strength and skill we could only dream about achieving ourselves.

And for a couple of glorious hours this morning, friends, and families, and perfect strangers, from coast to coast, put all of the BULLSHIT in the world aside for a brief moment, and came together to laugh, and cheer, and when all was said and done, stand and sing our national anthem, loudly and proudly.

Did it bring about world peace? No.
Did if fix world hunger? No.
Will the world be a better place tomorrow? maybe for some, but likely not for many others.

This wasn’t about that. This was about athletes at the top of their game, and 4 years of preparation, and blood, sweat, and tears, and taking to the world stage in an attempt to be the best at their craft.

And I for one enjoyed every fucking minute of it.

Tomorrow I will happily immerse myself back into the dark, dire, unrest and politics of the mostly miserable world around us… but for today, just for a couple more hours, let me and my fellow uncharacteristically boastful Canucks bask in the glow of these games while the flame is extinguished, after which we all go back to our regularly scheduled lives.

Living in a Disposible World…

I was actually writing something else, but I need to get this off my chest first.

I spent the waning hours of New Years eve in a highly uncomfortable situation, being ignored by one, and slighted by others (who had clearly been taken a side)
In the light of day, I thought perhaps it was just my imagination, only to discover accidentally that I had been “unfollowed”
Really? REALLY??
LOL!

All of this over a 2 sentence slightly elevated exchange online, that any normal human would have blown off after a day, chalking it up to the situation, the holidays, stress, any number of things. I wasn’t in the wrong in this case, and would have liked and deserved an apology, but that wasn’t going to happen, so I had taken the high road and put it behind me and moved on. Clearly, they had not. And for the 3rd time in 2013, I was atop the trash heap, discarded for whatever reason, with either no explanation, or no offer of repair or redemption. Just done. Slate wiped clean.

Why doesn’t anybody fight back anymore? Nobody fights back. We live in a disposable society. Friends, marriages, furniture, pieces of equipment, appliances. If it’s broken, just throw it out. (trade it in, dispose of it, delete it, unfollow…)  Why not take a moment to rethink, review, repair? Nope. Too much effort. Too messy. And it would require a little introspection. Perhaps to the point that you would have to, *gasp*, admit you were wrong and apologize!! (in all three situations, this was NOT the case, and in all three I took the high road, the blame, and even apologized)

Nope. Nobody fights back. There is a facet of society out there made up of wimpy, thin skinned, myopic thinking, selfish people that think only of themselves, and their feelings, while making everything, good or bad, about them. And if it is deemed that your actions or very existence goes against that, even for just one conversation, then that’s it. You’re on the proverbial trash heap.

I thought it was my imagination, but alas, it’s not. And it’s an epidemic.

And all fucking year, I blamed myself each time it happened. Going back over conversations, wondering what “I” did wrong. Second guessing myself.

Well, new year, new leaf, new attitude.

If there is one thing you need to know and completely understand as an active participant in my life. I am who I am. I don’t hide behind a brand, or a cause, or an animal, or a cartoon moniker, or an “egg”. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent. I am nothing if not authentically Meesh.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I live in the moment. I react in the moment. If I’m happy, you know it. If I’m mad/sad, you know it. Simple. Honest. If you push, I push back. I don’t mince words. I don’t bullshit. And from now on, I WON’T apologize for calling you out on your bullshit. I won’t apologize for your thin skin. And I won’t apologize for your social awkwardness.

I’m not going to put up with passive aggressive behavior either. I’m not going to be made to feel uncomfortable in a room, or a group, or situation  because you are there and have decided that you are no longer going to show me the basic human courtesy of making eye contact, or saying hello/goodbye. Fuck that. I’m tired of dimming MY light, because you’re sensitive. And I’m tired of backing down so as not to rock the “social” boat.

And guess what, you walk away? I’m not gonna chase you, or beg you to reconsider.

Nope. This year there is no revolving door into/out off “Meeshville”.
You walk out the door of my life in 2014, it’s a one way exit now.
The door locks behind you. Want back in? Suck it up buttercup. Pull up your big girl/boy panties and ring the doorbell. But be prepared, if and when I answer, to admit you were wrong, or defend your position, and FIGHT for the privilege of being in my life.

I’ve spent too many years worrying about and taking care of everyone else, with little to no reciprocation, and now that I’m at rock fucking bottom (the other post I’m writing) I just don’t have time or energy for anyone else’s neurosis.

When is it my turn?

*warning: full on pity post commencing*

I’m just curious when it will be my turn?

My turn to get my chance.
To achieve a goal.
To fulfill a dream.
To be truly, unconditionally, loved.

When will I get the job, the award, the prince?

Where is the person who’s coattails I can ride, whose back I can stab, whose friendship with whom I can fake, whose body I can step on/over to get to my finish-line? Continue reading When is it my turn?

Why Doesn’t He Like Me??

This is a recurring theme in my life right now.
Professionally and personally. No matter how hard I try.
No matter how dedicated I am.
No matter what I do.
Rejection.

I spent the last week reeling from rejection on both fronts.
Rejected by a boy. Rejected by a colleague. Rejected by life.

I was sad. I was depressed. I was angry. I even punished myself in a manner of speaking, out of disgust, between bouts of feeling sorry for myself.
It all manifested itself into a pretty long, good/bad day on Saturday.

Then a funny thing happened, oddly enough after reflecting on a movie I saw (Lola Versus)…
I realized it was perceived rejection on my part as opposed to direct rejection.

I mean it’s not like I said: “hey, I think I really like you, do you want to explore this?” and he said “ugh… give your head a shake woman, you disgust me!”
Nope. That’s not how it happened at all.
Yes, I developed a crush on someone. And yes, it was probably a little one-sided on my part. But instead of really giving it a go, I subtly tried to ingratiate myself into his day, then I gave up after a week, deciding he wasn’t interested. He likely has NO conscious idea that I was even remotely interested in him.

Nor did I say “hey, here’s my idea/story/service/offer, what do you think? Can we work together?”
Nope… that’s not how it happened either. In this particular instance, someone else got an opportunity that I would have loved. I was never likely considered for it, and she likely pursued as she has a MUCH healthier ego than I, and thus her self-esteem is much healthier too. But because I’ve allowed myself to be a doormat for years, and never stood up for myself or sought compensation from those who have used me and walked off scott free, I now just talk myself out of fighting for, well, anything, because after one too many opportunities have skipped over me, I just have lost the desire to fight.

So the real question I should have been asking all week is “why don’t I like myself?”

See, I’m so afraid of rejection now, that I reject myself long before someone else ever gets the chance.

I fight for and fix everyone else, yet won’t do the same for me.

Instead of really putting myself out there and quite possibly winning, succeeding, or prevailing, I sabotage myself mentally instead. I don’t actually put the ball in play. I keep myself, and my surroundings “unwelcoming”. My “self-deprecating” humour isn’t cute, but rather a subconscious way of belittling myself and undercutting my own happiness. I quietly, subtly, send out a signal to all who get near that I am unlovable, undesirable and unworthy of their praise or offerings.

wow. That’s pretty heady stuff huh?

So what do I do with all of that information?
Well, I’m not gonna get up on Monday morning and magically have the self esteem of J-Lo all of a sudden. But I am going to give myself a little more credit.

Maybe this week I will incorporate a little exercise into my routine. Not because I’m desperately trying to change my appearance, but because it will make me feel better.

Maybe this week I will quiet this critic in my head and take a chance. Just one chance. Not a big chance, but a little chance. And even if it doesn’t work out in my favour, I will applaud myself for trying rather than berate myself for failing.

Maybe this week I will take each day as it happens. Tomorrow will have no bearing. Yesterday is past. I will concentrate on having the best, most productive, most self-honouring day possible. Every day. For one whole week. And just see where it leads.

I spent a few days with a dear friend recently, and was angered to tears over how she was allowing someone to walk all over her. I was mad at the person doing it. I was mad at her for allowing it. I spoke up on her behalf. I fought for her dammit! She deserved better from everyone around her, but mostly from herself. I pleaded with her to put herself first and start treating herself like she treats everyone else in her life.

It was only days later, alone in a car for 5hrs that I realized the person I was really angry with was myself. All of the things that I was trying to “fix” in her life, I really should have been fixing in my own. The perfect storm of “do as I say, not as I do”
I set the perfect example of how to act and how to treat herself while I was with her.
What a fucking hypocrite!
Especially when I fell into the very same awful patterns myself when I got home.

So it’s go time.
Time to stop with all the bullshit excuses.
Time to stop with all the blame.
Time to stop with all the self-sabotage.

It’s time to focus.
Time to focus on me.
Time to focus on happiness.
Time to focus on truth.
Time to focus on living.
Time to embrace the fear and do it anyway.