Category Archives: It’s a Girl Thing…

The Anatomy of a Hook Up… Sort of…

I’ll admit right off the bat that I am not good at this game. I never have been. In fact I don’t really play it at all. But there I was, last Saturday night, with a group of strangers, dancing, and drinking, and simply enjoying the moment. Not a care in the world, and suddenly surrounded by men who “wanted” me. Well, probably not “me” necessarily… But a conquest of some sort.

So hours of dancing, and singing, and drinking (Did I mention the drinking?) later, I found myself with my new friend, in the wee hours of the morning, offering to be his tour guide for Nuit Blanche.
The plan: a quick stop back at his hotel to drop off his computer, and use the facilities.
No I’m not that naive… And I told him prior to our arrival that nothing was going to happen that night. (for a host of reasons)

Anyhoo… we dropped off his stuff, both used the facilities, and then we sat for a while, drank some water, steadied our drunken selves a bit, and watched the end of SNL while looking through my racing photos. Turned out he had been at the Toronto race with friends and is a photographer himself. It was all very comfortable and nice, but I was fading, and Nuit Blanche was calling (to me anyway)
But when I said “would you like to head out to Nuit Blanche?” He said “not really, but I would like to kiss you”
aww! how Sweet! And how very chick-flicky dialogue wise. (Brownie points from me, cause I’m a dork)

He was a very nice kisser. Very nice.
His skin and lips were soft, and he was sweet and gentle; not awkward and pawing like my last unwelcomed advance.
And he said lovely things like “you’re amazing” and “you’re beautiful” and “you’re so hot” (that last one of course elicited a self deprecating remark in return and a hearty guffaw, as “hot” has not been in my repertoire for decades, and I was dressed like a skater boy) Actually, come to think of it, that was the second time that night I was referred to as hot. Earlier one lad, who was clearly hitting on me, exclaimed “you’re too hot to be 48!!” When I revealed my age.

Speaking of chick-flicky, this is where my night turns into a tragic comedy… or comic tragedy, or both.

You see aside from not being a one night stand type of girl to begin with (not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s just not my thing) there was zero chance of anything happening anyway. A) Aunt Flo was in town B) I haven’t shaved my bits for quite a while, and my bobs could have done with some landscaping too. (hey I’m long time single and it’s the fall, in Canada, why bother?! Ain’t nobody got time for that) and C) I was wearing a comically tight, too small athletic top to keep the girls in place, which requires me to become a contortionist and break a sweat just to wriggle out of. So even if I was to overrule my rule, and A&B weren’t a factor, C would have been a deal breaker/mood killer right there. Hey, what do you expect? I was at a website building conference in classrooms and lectures all day. Not exactly a “hey, better ladyscape in case I hook up” scenario!

Further to that, I was wearing jeans, a polar fleece GAP hoodie, a ball cap, and Roots boots. Who knew that would elicit such attraction from the opposite sex?! I mean seriously?!

Anyway, as much as he tried to gently persuade me, I skillfully and kindly ended our make out session, and bid him adieu. (Without having to reveal any of my embarrassing reasons for bailing)
Thinking I would see him the next day at the conference, I also epically failed to provide or exchange any contact info with him before I left.

Sadly, or perhaps thankfully, he didn’t bother to show up for day two, and there has been no attempt at contact. (A fairly simple task considering the nature of the weekend and the fields we are in) If he’d been even remotely interested, he’d have found a way.

So, what did I learn from the whole exercise?

1. I’m just not a “hook up” type of gal. While we were making out I was already thinking ahead to how we would stay in contact, how often I would travel to see him and vice versa. Lets face it; I’m a relationship girl. Period. I’m either single or in a relationship. There is no wham bam thank you ma’am in my future. I couldn’t stomach it. Had we done the deed, and he’d not shown up the next day, and never contacted me, it would have bore into my soul. Every guy I’ve ever slept with, save for maybe one? (two?) I’ve known/dated/courted for at least 6 months in advance. I invest in my conquests. I feel I deserve the same in return. (upon reading this back, I had to laugh at the statement… “every guy I’ve ever slept with”… there have been 7. I can name them. BWAHAHAHA! So worldy… not)

2. I don’t need to be dressed to the nines, in my twenties, or a size 2 to attract the opposite sex. Who knew?!

3. I didn’t realize how much of a relief it would be to finally be kissed, on the lips, with passionate intention. So glad to erase the bad memory of the last kiss that tainted them.

4. David is “just not that into me”. If a total stranger found me interesting enough to kiss after one day, then he surely, after 2 yrs, and much enticing from me, could have found an opportunity to do the same. Chapter closed. Moving on.

5. I think I’m ready to put myself out there.

Lullaby for Myself…

A couple of weeks ago over a glass of wine in an Italian bistro in Toronto, four strong, talented, independent woman sat discussing the usual trials and tribulations of being strong, talented, independent women… And I immediately thought of this song!

Of course at the time I was on my 4th glass of wine, and couldn’t remember the song I heard a week ago, let alone 20 yrs ago while sitting in my cabin on a cruise ship. I was separated from my husband at the time, and trying to figure out the next step in my journey, when my roomie Graham played it for me. (fancy that, a gay man with a thing for Streisand!) Anyway, It brought me to tears then, and then again today when I played it (after I finally remembered what CD it was on, and found the track!)

Self-contained and self-content
No promises to keep
I’ve got things so together
That I just can’t fall asleep
Walked the night and drank the moon
Got home at half-past four,
And I knew that no-one marked my time
As I unlocked my door.

It’s really lovely to discover
That you like to be alone
Not to owe your man an answer
When he gets you on the phone
Not to share a pair of porkchops
When you crave champagne and cheese
And your aim becomes to please yourself
And not to aim to please
Oh they sold me when they told me
Two can live as cheap as one
But I’m learning twice your earning
Doesn’t mean it’s twice the fun
If you spend each dime and all your time
On someone else’s schemes
I’m not needy but I’m greedy
And I live my deepest dreams
Take an hour in the shower
Use the water while it’s hot
In the tub a hand to scrub my back
Is all I haven’t got.

Self-aware with self-esteem
Is selfishness a crime?
I take the day for quite a ride
And I take my own sweet time
Time to spare and time to share
And grateful I would be
If just one damn man would share the need
To be alone with me.

*sigh* … That last line is the clincher isn’t it?

And it’s really, quintessentially, what I’m looking for… or rather hoping to stumble upon, cause really I’m not “looking”
(and probably why I’m still single)

I had that for a brief moment in time… for 2 weeks actually. A million years ago.
It was never meant to be anything more than what it was (which was actually very innocent, just two people being “with” each other, but not “with” each other… hard to explain)
It was like living in an intense little bubble.
It was like looking into a crystal ball, and seeing what I was about to be giving up had I continued on with my marriage.
Which was… me.

hmm… maybe that splain’s it…

I realized this morning that I am chatty Cathy with just about everyone.
No problems making conversation, witty quips, etc… with perfect strangers or friends alike.

unless I think they are cute…

then I can’t form a full sentence.

 

I avert my eyes, look down, blush, skulk away like some lunatic stalker mute.

what am I, 13??

no wonder I’m single.

The spell is broken…

You know the one… the one that was cast by “the one that got away”.
The one that hangs over you, a giant cloud of “what if?”

Well it was finally broken tonight. But in a good healthy way, not a gut-wrenching, heartbroken way.

My JD was in town. Well, not “my” JD anymore. Truthfully he never was actually my JD. I was too awkward and broken when I knew him back then to tell him how much I loved him. He was my night in shining armor,and when he called me his princess, it melted my shuttered up heart.

Now he has 2 princesses in his life; A beautiful wife & 2 yr old
daughter

I haven’t seen him in 20yrs. But oh how I have thought about him.
Fantasizing that someday he would come back into my life and sweep me off my feet. But he never did. instead he kept in touch from a distance, keeping me informed of all the wonderful things in his life. “I bought a house!” “I’m getting married!” “I’m gonna be a dad!”

Each declaration making me equal parts happy/sad.

But here he was tonight. Just a man. A long lost friend.
Slightly fidgety, and nervous, verbally referencing his wife at every moment. 😉 Perhaps he too had trepidation, memories of times past, unanswered questions about what might have been?
Or perhaps he was always that way, and I never noticed, too blinded by love to see.

Whatever the case, as the title says, the spell is broken. He is my past. A lovely memory. But no longer “the one”

I’m guessing I haven’t met him yet.

I looked up…

So I was a little brave and perhaps a little cheeky yesterday.

I was at the media day for the Toronto Autoshow, with my usual crew of fellow gearheads, doing our sheep like tour of new cars, collecting data sticks filled with media, and essentially playing hooky from real life for the day.

Now I don’t know if it’s the heady new car smell that puts me in such a trance, but I always find myself more attracted to the men milling about there, than say in a bar or on my commute to/from work (same goes for at the race track, a ballgame, or the market)
I think it’s the whole “of like mind” thing.

Anyway, this one fella kept catching my eye. He looked so familiar to me (or maybe I just wanted him to be familiar to me…) Tall, suited up, pleasant smile… Continue reading I looked up…