Category Archives: dear diary…

Happy? Father’s Day 

Gosh I miss my dad. Life keeps spiralling lately, and I feel very… untethered, like I could blow away at any moment. I’ve lost all confidence in myself… again… only he’s not here to tell me it’s all gonna be ok, to “give my head a shake”, or to cook me that ridiculous meal of liver and spinach (because he was always worried I wasn’t eating right)

20yrs gone and I can only faintly remember his voice, but I will always always remember how he made me feel. Continue reading Happy? Father’s Day 

New Year… New…

shoes!

You thought I was gonna say “me” didn’t you? Well, that just seemed so fucking cliche as it was coming out of the tip of my fingers, no matter how true the sentiment may reveal itself to be later on this coming year. Continue reading New Year… New…

But I NEVER get sick!!..

I never get sickWith the stressful job/money situation of the last couple of months, culminated with poor nutrition, followed by a recent week of eating rich foods and drinking every night. (friends in from out of town)  I shouldn’t have been surprised then when I found myself writhing in pain in the middle of the night last week. I was due for a visit by Aunt Flo, had likely stressed my gallbladder, plus my kidneys hadn’t been too happy with me lately either… I just had to become conscious enough to figure out where the pain was radiating from.

It wasn’t low enough for menstrual cramps, so that was ruled out right away. Right upper back, ribcage area… still not specific enough. An hour or so later though, the pain has shifted… It’s a stone! we have a kidney stone! I know how to do this. Continue reading But I NEVER get sick!!..

Vulnerable…

This was the word that popped into my head today when I was walking. I’m not feeling weak or fragile, as I had mislabelled myself, but rather “vulnerable”.

vul·ner·a·ble  ˈvəln(ə)rəbəl/
adjective: vulnerable
-susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.
synonyms: helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent, weak, susceptible
    “he was scared and vulnerable”
-(of a person) in need of special care, support, or protection because of age, disability, or risk of abuse or neglect.

I’m finding my universe ironically cruel at the moment. I struggled so hard to pull myself off the eating disorder ledge this spring, not to mention a bout of deep depression. I cleaned up my diet, I upped my exercise. I was feeling really, REALLY good. And positive. And motivated. Continue reading Vulnerable…

Not so Happy Father’s Day…

DadMeSome years, Father’s day comes and goes without a second thought for me.
Others, like this year for instance, the lead up is like a slow burn of stinging emotions.
Life is rather shite for me at the moment. Strike that…
*try to find the positive spin Michele… *
Life is a tad “transitional” at the moment, and it’s left me feeling rather raw and exposed emotionally.
A little like a tightrope walker without a net. Continue reading Not so Happy Father’s Day…

Control Your Thoughts, Control Your Life…

it’s a bad week.

A big, bad “life is spiraling out of control” kind of week.
Which signals trigger warnings for me.
My energy level plummets, my motivation wanes, my sleep patterns gets messed up, and my desire to get out of bed… null and void.
The next thing that happens is I stop eating.
It’s, in my mind, the one thing I can control.
The caveat to that is that I only end up punishing myself.

So this morning, I turned a corner. Continue reading Control Your Thoughts, Control Your Life…

April Showers bring May Flowers…

That may have been the case in years past, but this year the majority of the showers have been snow, and there ain’t no flowers that bloom in that shit…

Anyhoo…

Last month I expressed my frustration at the state of my life.
I called myself out on being a doormat.
I basically reached down deep inside, accessed my inner Cher, and gave myself a “snap out of it!” bitch slap. #Moonstruckreference

It seemed to work. I stepped up to the plate, and started to get my shit together. I made a couple of decisions. I made some plans. I made some connections.

I decided it was time to put myself first.

I decided that maybe the safe way isn’t the right way anymore.

I decided that very soon, I will rip the band-aid off, and let the chips fall where they may. And I’m ok with that.

And with every negative thought I ejected, and person I evicted from my life, something and someone positive entered. Funny how that works…

There are some big hurdles ahead for sure, but I’d rather trip over them on the way to the finish line, than not run the race at all.

Clarity. It’s a beautiful thing.