But I NEVER get sick!!..

I never get sickWith the stressful job/money situation of the last couple of months, culminated with poor nutrition, followed by a recent week of eating rich foods and drinking every night. (friends in from out of town)  I shouldn’t have been surprised then when I found myself writhing in pain in the middle of the night last week. I was due for a visit by Aunt Flo, had likely stressed my gallbladder, plus my kidneys hadn’t been too happy with me lately either… I just had to become conscious enough to figure out where the pain was radiating from.

It wasn’t low enough for menstrual cramps, so that was ruled out right away. Right upper back, ribcage area… still not specific enough. An hour or so later though, the pain has shifted… It’s a stone! we have a kidney stone! I know how to do this.

Kidney stones are pure evil… that your body creates! The first one I had (that I was made painfully aware of) was 20yrs ago. I kept waiting for the Alien to come bursting through my skin. Hours of agony, a night in the ER, lose all function meds, and 2 days of peeing into a coffee filter to catch the little sucker. It was a pretty, amber, jagged-edged stone, that looked like it had fallen out of a ring setting, rather than an organ. Since then I feel them firing out randomly all the time (little ones, of no consequence) and it prompts me to up my hydration game. This time I knew what it was. I knew it was mobile (so no need for a trip to the ER) Just needed to get through the worst part and ride out the pain. (I’m not good with pain, but my OHIP Card is expired, and a trip to the hospital would cost me big time…)

In the process, I managed to herniate myself from the violent retching that goes along with the nausea and the pain.
Batting a thousand I tell ya.

So last weekend was spent waiting for the stone to finish it’s final lap of my innards, and waiting for my twisted herniated diaphragm to go back into place, and waiting for my period to start.

By Tuesday, I was feeling back to normal, though still no Aunt Flo, so the low grade fever I was experiencing didn’t alert me. I figured it was just my ever confusing Peri-menopausal hormones.

Wednesday night… nope… somethings off again. (seriously!?) Feel like I’m coming down with something. Which is odd because I never get sick!!

Friday morning I wake up, can barely swallow (to the point of almost panicking) and look at my throat, which is, well, suffice it to say there is definitely something not right back there, and this may require antibiotics, rather than a trip to the friendly folks at the Big Carrot.

Shit. Where is my OHIP card anyway? I never use it. In fact it’s expired (like all the medicine in my cabinet, because… that’s right, I never get sick) I tried to get it replaced a few years ago, but I needed better proof of address. After waiting almost an hour to be told that, I left angry, and put it back on my to-do list. But it wasn’t a priority because… all together now… I never get sick

So, throat closing, unable to swallow, or speak audibly, I head to Service Ontario to replace my damn expired, and now lost OHIP card, so I can seek medical treatment.

I had my passport, my drivers license, my SIN card, my old old Ohip card, & a photocopy of my lost/expired newer card. I had at least 7 pieces of mail this time, all addressed to me at the same address. Govt, TD Insurance, Aeroplan, my RRSP from Actra, the piece of paper my health card came on, and something else. Sadly none of that was good enough to convince the lady behind the desk that I’ve lived here the entire time my card was expired.
I’ve had easier “interrogations” at the border proving my citizenship.

Hilarious… Because I was too healthy, and never needed or used the card, they’re actually holding it against me that I let it lapse for so long.
So… To be clear, I saved the province thousands of dollars in healthcare expenses by leading a super healthy, holistic existence, and that’s a bad thing (Fuck you for being so healthy, healthy girl!!) And now they think it’s because I was living out of the country. Of course I do all paperless billing, but they won’t accept any of that as proof either (fuck you too Eco friendly girl!) (which if memory serves me is why they didn’t renew it the last time I tried 3 years ago)

So I have to go back with a record of employment next week, and more “paper” proof that I live here. (Apparently all the stuff I brought wasn’t legit enough)

I say to the lady; “so in the meantime, should I just wait till my throat closes completely?”

And she says “you can’t be denied medical treatment”

and I think “Yes, but that shouldn’t even be an issue since I’ve lived here my entire fucking life!, just renew my fucking card!’ (I thought this… I didn’t say it… I just left, throat closing, fever spiking, feeling like a criminal, googling walk in clinics)

Thankfully I found a nice, quiet clinic just down the street, that serves mostly students at the nearby university, and only charged $60 for the non-covered visit.

The verdict? Strep Throat! Seriously?! I haven’t had so much as a seasonal cold for years, and over the course of a week I have a kidney stone, a hernia, and highly contagious strep. Oh, and if you’re still reading, I also, 9 days late, got my period this afternoon. Which truthfully sent me into fits of hysterical laughter at the absurdity of my life right now.

While on lockdown, I found myself thinking of amusing anecdotes today:

* I find it amusing that when you have a throat infection, where you can barely swallow your own saliva, that the doctors prescribe pills? ‪

* you never get sick when your home is clean enough to welcome people to drop by with “get well” goodies

* I get sick so little, that when I do, I discover that every medicinal aid in my apt is years expired. LOL! (seriously, my tylenol expired in 2012) (I bought new ones)

* when you don’t take medication with any regularity, then suddenly have to, it is amazing how fast it works! Tylenol vs Fever… AMAZING! (I usually just let my body do it’s thing, but the joy of the fever breaking within minutes of the Tylenol hitting my system… I’m kinda digging that) That said I was indignant about still having a sore throat this afternoon until I realized I hadn’t even been on penicillin for 24 hrs yet… LOL #impatientPatient

* Jello. All I want is a spoon full of jello to stick the pills in to swallow them. It’s what I had when I was a kid. Come to think of it. I had liquid Penicillin as a kid.

* what ever happened to Aspergum?! That stuff was AWESOME for sore throats.

* I’ve realized that spending the day in bed is neither luxurious or comfortable, unless you have:  A) someone to bring you things on a tray. B) one of those bed/chair thingies C) A TV. I don’t have any of those, so it was a jury rigged pillow pile and a laptop, and my cat wondering when I was getting my lazy ass out of bed to feed him

* when your throat is infected, you will find a way to balance a spoonful of ice cream at the back of your mouth, precariously close to choking you, just for the awesome cold, numbing sensation…

* they really need to develop some kind of hunger patch for when you’re starving but can swallow.

* after years of fighting an eating disorder, it’s like my universe rebelled on me this year just to prove to me that I actually do WANT to eat. Ok, I get it. I like eating. I don’t like being hungry. You win universe.

* even though I “never get sick” you can be damn sure that I will get that stupid OHIP card renewed next week so I can put it away in a safe place until it expires again 5 yrs from now 😉


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