Some years, Father’s day comes and goes without a second thought for me.
Others, like this year for instance, the lead up is like a slow burn of stinging emotions.
Life is rather shite for me at the moment. Strike that…
*try to find the positive spin Michele… *
Life is a tad “transitional” at the moment, and it’s left me feeling rather raw and exposed emotionally.
A little like a tightrope walker without a net.
It’s at these moments that a girl simply just wants her daddy to rescue her.
Not in a big, grand way, but rather in the way that only a daddy can.
The home cooked meal.
The spare bedroom to get away from life for the weekend.
The seat in the dark by the campfire to shoot the shit about life.
The tucking of a $20 bill in your pocket when you’re leaving.
The never-ending bear hug and gruff, barely audible, “luv ya” before sending you on your way.
Knowing with 100% certainty that I will NEVER experience that again…
It’s like someone is taking a melon-baller and scooping out chunks of my heart.
He was 51. Fifty fucking ONE years old. (I will be 50 next September… so this really puts it in perspective, and REALLY pisses me off)
I think that if you lose one parent young, the universe should allow your other parent a long, long, happy, healthy life to balance it out.
Instead, I had both of mine ripped from me well before their past due date.
anyway… Father’s Day…
I had to do the interwebs in spits and spurts today… Especially Facebook.
With each click it was like ripping the bandaid off over and over again…
But like everything that challenges you in life, avoiding it isn’t the answer.
Facing it head on was.
So I did.
And as I scrolled through my timeline, I saw beautiful pictures of dads and granddads, young and old, living and passed.
I read wonderful tributes to amazing dads.
I read sad recollections of not so great dads.
I felt all at once lucky to have had my dad, and bitterly jealous to not have him anymore.
I’m happy to have grown up when and where I did, in simpler times, with a simpler way of life, but part of me is sad to have so few actual photos of our times together. And zero video. Of course maybe, just maybe, that was a blessing…
Instead of wasting precious time “capturing the moments”, with hundreds of digital files and selfless, we just actually lived in them.
So while I don’t have a folder filled with images like the generation being reared today, I do have a mind and heart filled with memories. I can describe in minute detail the events from my life, both large and small. The sounds, the sights, the smells, the feelings…
And while I can’t upload them to Facebook or Instagram for the world to peruse, I can close my eyes, and play them instantly, like a movie in my mind.
A private showing for one, of the happiest-saddest story in the world.
I posted this on my Facebook page earlier:
“I want to wish a Happy Fathers day to all the fathers, grandfathers, new fathers, old fathers, step-fathers, pseudo-fathers, uncle-fathers, “like a father” fathers, dog-fathers, cat-fathers, and of course the single-mother-fathers-doing-all-the-work, that I’m honoured to have in my acquaintance. Remember… at the end of the day, your kids won’t remember the “stuff” or what it cost… they’ll remember the smiles, and the hugs, and the pats on the backs, and the lessons taught, and the one who made the booboos go away, when they were 2, 12, and 25… So today, just be there, and make memories. Cause that’s what we’ll carry with us into the lean years xox”
May you all have made magical “mind movies” for your children to watch in the years to come when they are lonely and missing you.
Here are some of the amazing Father’s day posts that were shared with me this week, which I in turn now share with you: