Wow… so much has been going on since the weather turned, I’ve been just too busy, and brain frazzled to write down any personal thoughts.
So here is a little brain purge to catch myself up… (in no particular order)
So, on my birthday, back in September, I was supposed to meet up with my Brother and nephew for dessert… Those plans got sidelined as my nephew found out that his cancer had come back. This was the first time I had heard of it.
On my birthday.
Now I’m sure I’ve mentioned previously that my brother and I share a dysfunctional relationship at best, (though that has improved exponentially over the last few months) So this should come as no surprise that this is how I found out.
Turns out Dylan, who is 15, has testicular cancer. He has already had a testicle removed (earlier in the year I believe) but then fell ill at the end of the summer and came back to Sick Kids for tests, at which time (on my birthday) they discovered a tumor in his lung.
So since then he has been going through intense rounds of chemotherapy. (he just finished round 3 (and hopefully the final) last week)
It’s odd… I was hesitant to become part of my brother’s family’s life, as I figured I would likely develop an illness and put stress on them, and him, and after all that we’ve been through, he didn’t need that, and I didn’t want to solidify ties with anyone… (ya, it’s weird I know)
But there I’ve been, sitting in a hospital downtown, with my sister-in-law, and brother, and for one weekend, the whole brood, while we casually converse and try to be normal while poison drips from a clear plastic bag into the veins of my nephew, their brother/son.
And at that moment, there is/was nowhere I would rather be.
It became all consuming. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to do something. I donated money. I raised money for Ronald McDonald House by running a 5K. I started a Movember team to raise more money and awareness. I will be cooking a dinner at Ronald McDonald House next month, and then caroling for the families/patients later that night with some of my musician friends.
I feel helpless, and angry. Very Angry. He’s 15 for fucks sake, and he’s lost a testicle.
And my Brother, who like me, is an orphan, has watched our mother and grandfather die from cancer.
And I watch him, and my sister-in-law, hold him and stroke his bald fuzzy head while he sleeps, knocked out from the drugs coursing through his veins, and I feel fucking helpless knowing that all the money and all the 5K’s in the world can’t fix this right now.
So we wait. Monday he comes back to Sick Kids (which by the way is the most awesome hospital with the most awesome staff) and gets some scans done, and we determine if the chemo worked, or if we move on to the next step, whatever that may be.
And as much as I want to run from the potential pain, I know I am in this for the long haul, because that is my lot in life. Perhaps this is when I heed the call of my mother to “be there” for my brother. Perhaps this is when I assuage my guilt for not being there for him when we were teenagers, still reeling from losing our mother (and in some regards our father at the same time)
Perhaps this is when I step up and become a role model for my nieces, who despite my better judgement, think I’m pretty cool. (I think)
Perhaps this is a continuation of opening my heart up, despite the fear, to the possibility of being loved in return.
Ok… enough of that… I’ll know more this week, and will update then.
So, 5K’s… ya.
I’ve run THREE of them since September…
And last night I bookmarked all of my races for 2014! 22 of them in total. (ok, it’s a rather daunting wishlist, but I think I can do it!) Actually I have 2 more to go in 2013!!