do you ever have all the hurt, and anger, and betrayal, and sadness that you’ve been pushing down, and aside, and suppressing for months just spill out of you suddenly?
I’ve been “on the verge” for weeks now. Always feeling like if I let my guard down, I would burst into tears for no good reason and never stop.
Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of reasons… but when the tears sting, and my throat closes, and I catch my breath, it’s usually for no reason. It’s just there, constantly, brewing under the surface, holding me hostage.
Today I woke up and it was raining, and I had a headache, and my brain was going a million miles an hour, thinking of 100 things “to-do”, and yet here I sat, all day, paralyzed, mindlessly watching T.V, and surfing the web, avoiding, evading, numbing my brain, my heart, my soul.
The things I want most are unattainable, at least for the moment. All of my happy places are poisoned by hurtful, hateful people who infiltrated them and then betrayed me. My inner dialogue is on constant shuffle, looping endlessly, vacillating between angry rants and pep talks. I sit down to write to try to make sense of it all and I can’t, or I won’t. Perhaps I don’t want to. Perhaps I don’t want to see all the words spill out of my brain. All the pain, all the anger, all the doubt, all the despair.
I don’t want to validate it. I don’t want to give it any more power than it already has.
And so here I sit, alone in my apartment. Feeling like the walls are closing in. I want to reach out, but I don’t want to reach out. I want to just get on with it, but my emotions betray me.
And then it happens. The tears, the sobs, the release. Like the cork on the top of the champagne bottle, the pressure suddenly overwhelms, and there is no stopping what comes next.
And then, like magic, I feel better. Lighter. Empty.
And now I’m hungry. Perhaps it’s a metaphor.
Perhaps it’s simply that had an apple and a tablespoon of peanut butter 6 hours ago for lunch.