Lullaby for Myself…

A couple of weeks ago over a glass of wine in an Italian bistro in Toronto, four strong, talented, independent woman sat discussing the usual trials and tribulations of being strong, talented, independent women… And I immediately thought of this song!

Of course at the time I was on my 4th glass of wine, and couldn’t remember the song I heard a week ago, let alone 20 yrs ago while sitting in my cabin on a cruise ship. I was separated from my husband at the time, and trying to figure out the next step in my journey, when my roomie Graham played it for me. (fancy that, a gay man with a thing for Streisand!) Anyway, It brought me to tears then, and then again today when I played it (after I finally remembered what CD it was on, and found the track!)

Self-contained and self-content
No promises to keep
I’ve got things so together
That I just can’t fall asleep
Walked the night and drank the moon
Got home at half-past four,
And I knew that no-one marked my time
As I unlocked my door.

It’s really lovely to discover
That you like to be alone
Not to owe your man an answer
When he gets you on the phone
Not to share a pair of porkchops
When you crave champagne and cheese
And your aim becomes to please yourself
And not to aim to please
Oh they sold me when they told me
Two can live as cheap as one
But I’m learning twice your earning
Doesn’t mean it’s twice the fun
If you spend each dime and all your time
On someone else’s schemes
I’m not needy but I’m greedy
And I live my deepest dreams
Take an hour in the shower
Use the water while it’s hot
In the tub a hand to scrub my back
Is all I haven’t got.

Self-aware with self-esteem
Is selfishness a crime?
I take the day for quite a ride
And I take my own sweet time
Time to spare and time to share
And grateful I would be
If just one damn man would share the need
To be alone with me.

*sigh* … That last line is the clincher isn’t it?

And it’s really, quintessentially, what I’m looking for… or rather hoping to stumble upon, cause really I’m not “looking”
(and probably why I’m still single)

I had that for a brief moment in time… for 2 weeks actually. A million years ago.
It was never meant to be anything more than what it was (which was actually very innocent, just two people being “with” each other, but not “with” each other… hard to explain)
It was like living in an intense little bubble.
It was like looking into a crystal ball, and seeing what I was about to be giving up had I continued on with my marriage.
Which was… me.

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