hello from inside the the jello mold…

Peach-Jello-6_rect640or at least what I imagine life would be like encased in jello.

Muted.
Stuck.

I’m a ball of anxiety right now. My main source of income is teetering precariously on the ledge.
In fact I know the other shoe is about to drop. (Not that they’ve had the courtesy to tell me this. No, I found out by being clever)
So, as far as they’re concerned, I am oblivious to this impending change of situation.

Because of this I am just carrying on “business as usual” until told otherwise.
Problem with that is I have no timeline. Will the job end at the end of the month? Realistically I don’t think so. I think it will teeter until end of April. (logically) (though they have never been accused of doing anything logical when it comes to their business)

Even at that, I am unclear as to what my purpose is at the moment. I am running the day to day admin side of the business, putting out fires, keeping everything in motion, answering inquiries as though everything is a-ok, which is what I have always done, only this time that  in itself is stressful as I feel like a fraud. But as far as implementing ideas or ways to grow the business, it is a fruitless situation. And truthfully, I don’t want to waste my time and creativity on something that is going nowhere and won’t be appreciated anyway.

Personally however, right now, I am frozen.

After coming into this new year completely ahead of the game, motivated and on the fast track, now I can’t move forward with anything.

I can’t make plans.
I can’t spend any money on anything that isn’t 100% necessary.
My mind is racing 1000 mph. I sleep about 5hrs a night, but the dreams are so vivid and strange it is not a restful sleep at all.

I find myself paralyzed with fear at times, wanting to curl up into a ball and shut out the world.
I am trying to maintain my usual social engagement, but even that is falling away as it’s frustrating to watch successful lives from the sideline.
I also find it hard to leave my apartment most days. (that is a usual winter thing however)

When I find it all too overwhelming, which is almost daily at the moment, usually late at night, I “outsource” my brain to menial tasks. Stuff that needs to be done anyway, but I usually don’t have the time or desire to do.

So, while once again my life journey has derailed, on the bright side, I have decluttered much of my apartment, re-organized folders & bookmarks, and sorted through “junkdrawers” and file folders and papers and closets.

and random brain dump compete…

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