When is it my turn?

*warning: full on pity post commencing*

I’m just curious when it will be my turn?

My turn to get my chance.
To achieve a goal.
To fulfill a dream.
To be truly, unconditionally, loved.

When will I get the job, the award, the prince?

Where is the person who’s coattails I can ride, whose back I can stab, whose friendship with whom I can fake, whose body I can step on/over to get to my finish-line?

When was it decided that I would be born with the ability to trail blaze and open doors, but the integrity not to use people for my own gain?

Why do I always have to take the high ground? Swallow MY pride? Hide MY tears? Lest I be thought less of for not being supportive or a team player or a good friend or a good person.

I’m tired of being the disposable friend, …lover, …employee.

I’m tired of privately being so angry and hurt, but having to suck it up and say “congratulations you deserve it!” publicly.

Here’s the thing though. I do genuinely wish them all well. I want to congratulate them. I want them to be happy, …successful, …content.

But when is it my turn?
Why don’t I deserve it??

Why do I feel so guilty when I say to myself. NO MORE.
No more helping people.
No more befriending people.
No more… NO MORE!

I’m tired of being disrespected.
I’m tired of being used.
I’m tired of being invisible.
I’m tired.
Just tired.

*end of pity post*

just had to get that out of my insides before I went out to dinner where I’ll pretend that I’m happy and successful and full of hope.

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