And then… perspective – Part 1

I had two conversations this weekend that were like little “snap out of it” slaps a la Cher in Moonstruck.

On Saturday, after yet another un-restful and mostly sleepless night, I tossed my computer in my backpack (just in case) and set out for the day. No plans, no particular destination, just a restless soul in need of something to inspire me. I wandered aimlessly, like a tourist ( I do that a lot) and decided to stop in at the Distillery District. It was dotted with little booths filled with arts and crafts, and it was breezy, which was a delightful change from the oppressive heat of the previous days. I grabbed a doppio espresso macchiatto (yes, even on hot days, I must have a hot coffee to start my day) and browsed. It wasn’t crowded like other times I’ve been there, which allowed me to peruse stores I never get to go into. That is where I found this:

It just resonated with me. I find it so easy to encourage others, but beat the hell out of myself. So what better than a pendant that will remind me to push and support myself. Of course it will also encourage others who will see it around my neck and read it for themselves, so it’s a win-win! AND it’s double sided. Two motivational phrases for the price of one.

I played with a baby, I pet a dog, I shared smiles and directions, and then went on my way.

A quick stop at the St. Lawrence Mkt just cuz, then more walking.

Around the corner, one of my favorite patios, The Keg on the Esplanade. It was shady, and breezy, and quiet, and I got the big, cushiony couch. I ordered a margarita, kicked my shoes off, folded my legs up and got my computer out to write a little. A snack and a second drink later, I was winding down to head to a movie. That’s when Marcia and Louis Decker arrived.

I don’t remember how the conversation started, but all of a sudden there we were, the three of us, chatting about traveling, and family, and Toronto, and Maryland, and restaurants, and food, and longevity. Actually, looking back on it, she asked if I was a tourist too (my backpack must have thrown them off) and I answered, “no, but I like to wander around like one on weekends for a different perspective”

Anyway, they travel quite a bit, she in her late 70’s is the driver, and he almost 90, the “passenger seat driver”. They are on week 3 of a 4 week cultural road trip. They just wander, with some destinations in mind, and once they get somewhere, they take in shows and museums, and local festivals. Upon their return home to Maryland, they will prepare for their next journey where they will celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary on Aug 27th, on a cruise ship in Russia.

I fell in love with these two smartly dressed, intelligent, free-spirited and cultured seniors immediately, especially when she expressed a desire for a good “Martoonie”. (a term I adopted years ago for Martini’s from my friend and colleague Sandra Cauldwell) They were full of stories, and humour, and great pride for their children and grandchildren. Turns out Louis is (or was) a psychologist, and as such, amused himself by asking me several analytical questions. By the end of our casual chat, he deduced that I was a happy and grounded individual. (ha! news to me Louis! but thanks for the validation)

They had eaten at The Keg the night before and were planning on going to the Spaghetti Factory for dinner on this evening, which I poo poo’d immediately. (“we can do better than that!” I said) Since they had their palates prepared for Italian, I called over to my friends at Vagabondo and made reservations for them, then walked them to their destination on my way to my streetcar. After two quick hugs, Louis wished me well and told me I was a great ambassador for Canadians and Toronto, then whisked Marcia off to enjoy a romantic Italian dinner for two. β™₯

I took great pride in that exchange. I am a great ambassador dammit. And I really should work in tourism in some capacity… but that’s an essay for another day.

Anyway, it also made me really think about my situation…
as much as I enjoy and am comfortable with my solitude, and am able to converse with and welcome strangers into my daily travels, I so…
hope…
want…
wish… I had someone to share my life, and travels, and experiences, conversations, and happy days, and even sad days with.
I want someone to finish my sentences, split a sandwich, and share a history with.
I know there is no 60yr anniversary in my future, but I’d take 6 really good ones at this point.

I was hoping to have “found” someone by now, before I got to the stage of actually “looking”, cause lord knows when you start looking, you never find. 😦

I see all of my friends with their beaus, (no really, pretty much EVERYONE I know is a couple now) and I am so envious.

Did I have my chance and blow it? Is it too late now? Have I been closed off for so long that I have inadvertently pushed away any potential suitors or soul mates?
Do soulmates actually exist for everyone or just a chosen few?

“you attract the love you feel you deserve”
I heard that in a movie today.
Gosh, I think that is so true in my case.

I know for many years (and probably even still a little now) I didn’t feel worthy of love (or even friendship) Partially conditioning I guess, I’m sure from all of the failed relationships and loss in my life, it’s just been easier to go it alone.
I became beacon for users, and cheaters, and momma’s boys, closeted gay men, and assholes who were just looking for another conquest/belt notch, and, well, I guess I seem like an easy target.
Admittedly I probably am.
Destroyed self-esteem and a self deprecating personality is like a homing signal to those with less than admirable intentions. Sadly it also leaves me vulnerable to misinterpreting genuine, yet purely platonic affections. I guess this can be applied to friendships too. I see friendships, where others see “aquintaince” or “networking”

So, with all of this knowledge and these “ah ha” revelations, what do I do now?
Good question.

Conversation number 2 tomorrow…

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