It’s not how many times you get knocked down…

but how many times you get back up, and what you do once you’re on your feet again.

Yup. I got knocked down again. It took me a couple of days to get back up. I got partially up at first, just to survive the weekend, but not all the way. Spent this last week questioning, well… everything.

I don’t know why it hurts so much more as an adult when you are betrayed by a friend. But it does. Maybe because we know too much. Maybe because we expect too much. I don’t know. All I do know is that no matter how many times it happens, it never hurts any less.

I’m no saint, and I’ve probably hurt many people in my time. But I don’t think I’ve knowingly chosen myself or my ambitions over a friendship, and certainly not right to someone’s face. In fact it’s likely been quite the opposite. Which is probably why I’m not famous, or gainfully employed in any of my desired professions. Betrayal, backstabbing, climbing over the fresh carcass of a friend/colleague to get ahead. I’ve never had the stomach for it. But apparently I’m really good at befriending those who do. So the scar tissue from the knife wounds accumulates. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much. The assailant has to stab much harder and deeper to get through the scars I’ve amassed over the years…

There were times last weekend where I felt like I was suffocating. My happy place infiltrated. Luckily there were many other friends and colleagues around to distract me and make me feel worthy.
Also validating that sometimes my choice of friends is indeed smart, and they are worthy of my attention and affection. I don’t think I ask much from my friends. Simple consideration and a little loyalty. Is that really so hard?

But don’t use me. And don’t discard me in such a big, public way for your own gain. I don’t begrudge anyone success, but please don’t rub my nose in it, and don’t look down upon me from your new pulpit. It’s unbecoming and makes me feel duped by our supposed “friendship”. It’s fucking humiliating actually, for lack of a better description.

Word of warning: Be careful of how you treat people on the way up, because eventually you will come back down, and you’ll come face to face with those people once again.

Of course, all of the people that have used me as a stepping stone have had no remorse, and have enjoyed great success… so my theory, it turns out, is flawed. Fuck.

Perhaps I am merely destined to not find my own success, but merely be a broken-hearted broker of everyone elses dreams.


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