This is a recurring theme in my life right now.
Professionally and personally. No matter how hard I try.
No matter how dedicated I am.
No matter what I do.
I spent the last week reeling from rejection on both fronts.
Rejected by a boy. Rejected by a colleague. Rejected by life.
I was sad. I was depressed. I was angry. I even punished myself in a manner of speaking, out of disgust, between bouts of feeling sorry for myself.
It all manifested itself into a pretty long, good/bad day on Saturday.
Then a funny thing happened, oddly enough after reflecting on a movie I saw (Lola Versus)…
I realized it was perceived rejection on my part as opposed to direct rejection.
I mean it’s not like I said: “hey, I think I really like you, do you want to explore this?” and he said “ugh… give your head a shake woman, you disgust me!”
Nope. That’s not how it happened at all.
Yes, I developed a crush on someone. And yes, it was probably a little one-sided on my part. But instead of really giving it a go, I subtly tried to ingratiate myself into his day, then I gave up after a week, deciding he wasn’t interested. He likely has NO conscious idea that I was even remotely interested in him.
Nor did I say “hey, here’s my idea/story/service/offer, what do you think? Can we work together?”
Nope… that’s not how it happened either. In this particular instance, someone else got an opportunity that I would have loved. I was never likely considered for it, and she likely pursued as she has a MUCH healthier ego than I, and thus her self-esteem is much healthier too. But because I’ve allowed myself to be a doormat for years, and never stood up for myself or sought compensation from those who have used me and walked off scott free, I now just talk myself out of fighting for, well, anything, because after one too many opportunities have skipped over me, I just have lost the desire to fight.
So the real question I should have been asking all week is “why don’t I like myself?”
See, I’m so afraid of rejection now, that I reject myself long before someone else ever gets the chance.
I fight for and fix everyone else, yet won’t do the same for me.
Instead of really putting myself out there and quite possibly winning, succeeding, or prevailing, I sabotage myself mentally instead. I don’t actually put the ball in play. I keep myself, and my surroundings “unwelcoming”. My “self-deprecating” humour isn’t cute, but rather a subconscious way of belittling myself and undercutting my own happiness. I quietly, subtly, send out a signal to all who get near that I am unlovable, undesirable and unworthy of their praise or offerings.
wow. That’s pretty heady stuff huh?
So what do I do with all of that information?
Well, I’m not gonna get up on Monday morning and magically have the self esteem of J-Lo all of a sudden. But I am going to give myself a little more credit.
Maybe this week I will incorporate a little exercise into my routine. Not because I’m desperately trying to change my appearance, but because it will make me feel better.
Maybe this week I will quiet this critic in my head and take a chance. Just one chance. Not a big chance, but a little chance. And even if it doesn’t work out in my favour, I will applaud myself for trying rather than berate myself for failing.
Maybe this week I will take each day as it happens. Tomorrow will have no bearing. Yesterday is past. I will concentrate on having the best, most productive, most self-honouring day possible. Every day. For one whole week. And just see where it leads.
I spent a few days with a dear friend recently, and was angered to tears over how she was allowing someone to walk all over her. I was mad at the person doing it. I was mad at her for allowing it. I spoke up on her behalf. I fought for her dammit! She deserved better from everyone around her, but mostly from herself. I pleaded with her to put herself first and start treating herself like she treats everyone else in her life.
It was only days later, alone in a car for 5hrs that I realized the person I was really angry with was myself. All of the things that I was trying to “fix” in her life, I really should have been fixing in my own. The perfect storm of “do as I say, not as I do”
I set the perfect example of how to act and how to treat herself while I was with her.
What a fucking hypocrite!
Especially when I fell into the very same awful patterns myself when I got home.
So it’s go time.
Time to stop with all the bullshit excuses.
Time to stop with all the blame.
Time to stop with all the self-sabotage.
It’s time to focus.
Time to focus on me.
Time to focus on happiness.
Time to focus on truth.
Time to focus on living.
Time to embrace the fear and do it anyway.