“Don’t make someone a priority in your life, when you’re only an option in theirs…”

This is to be my lesson/mantra this year I guess. At least I’m going to try to reconcile with it as it seems to be a recurring theme in my life.

I’ve tried to reach out, to be social, to forge friendships. It just doesn’t work past a certain age me thinks. I’m too trusting, some might say gullible. Everyone is busy with their own “stuff”, their existing people, etc…

I find myself putting others at the top of my mental priority list, then being disappointed when I am but a passing thought… if that.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a good friend and will continue to be if called upon. But I’m not a fucking doormat. And I know when I’ve been completely overlooked. And it hurts. Especially when I’ve made some extraordinary choices with their best interests in mind.

So, it’s back to solo Meesh. I’m not going to worry about the “yous” and the “thems” anymore. It’s wasted too much time and energy, which is rarely if ever reciprocated, leaving me feeling exposed and used. Not that I’m going I become a hermit by any means, I’m just going to make sure my choices are MY choices and lower the bar for my expectations of others. In fact, going forward I will “expect” nothing and hopefully be pleasantly surprised. Though I doubt it.

Oh and in case you’re worried, Solo Meesh leads an awesome life. She runs on her own schedule, Go’s to the movies she wants to see, when she wants to see them, Has sole ownership of the remote, Knows when there is milk in the fridge and toilet paper on the role, Sits comfortably in her underwear at her leisure, and can walk for hours with no particular destination in mind, stopping on a whim for food or drink or both. She finds beauty, and sadness, and humour in everyday, which makes her smile, and cry, and laugh out loud with reckless abandon. She can meet up with an out of town friend at 10:30pm on a weeknight, and chat until 2am in a car (waves at Pat) without clearing it with anyone. She can eat cereal for dinner and pizza for breakfast, and always has a story to share with a stranger along the way.

Would I like to have that “Sex in the City” gaggle of besties to share my life with all the time? Maybe that’s a fleeting thought on a lonely Saturday night in February. But the rest of the time I truly find the thought of that exhausting. I would rather have a handful of amazing “sometimes” friends, than a busload of “fairweather but always around” friends.

But coming full circle to the title of this tome, the “sometimes” friends have to hold me and my friendship in the same high regard as I do them, not just as a convenience when there is no one better to play with, or no one that can do anything for them. Ya know?

My “sometimes” friends are always at the front of my mind, and at the core of my heart. Though I may not be “in” their lives daily/weekly or even monthly, I am aware of their lives and am at the ready. I trust that those same friends feel the same about me, and when our worlds collide on those rare occasions, the experience is solid and true and rich.

It boils down to this. I will no longer allow myself to be someone’s afterthought. Not anymore.

I will also not waste another minute past pressing “publish” thinking about it.

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