Leveling out…

Wow, a month later… clearly I fell off the update wagon. (ironically I am drinking Caesar while writing this post too) (just one, with brunch)

Would love to say that my lack of updating was because life was too happy and busy to possibly sit down and put thoughts to paper. But I can’t.

Truthfully I just got tired of everything. Tired of being sad. Tired of being angry. Tired of being tired. And tired of writing about it.

I’m searching for amicable ways out of my situation, but I don’t know if there will be one. No matter what I say my reasons for wanting out are, it will be insulting to the boss and the business. But it comes down to this: I just don’t believe in it anymore. I don’t feel part of it, my heart isn’t in it anymore, and I just don’t see a way around it. I’m certainly not an asset to the company feeling this way. I would be happier as a shelf-stocker at a grocery store. At least it would be authentic. So I am tying up as many loose ends as I can before the new year as part of my exit strategy, so when I do bow out (or get laid off, which is my hope) the transition will be easier.

If I were writing this post a month ago, my answer would be decidedly different, but as the title says, things are leveling out a bit. I’m getting a grip on my emotions and using my time a little more productively. I still get “the sads” but not daily (or hourly)

I still find myself alone 90% of the time mostly by choice, but also by circumstance. The way my life has evolved, the careers I have chosen, the hobbies I have participated in, have all lead to a mostly nomadic, solitary life. Not to mention, I am the sort of person who shuts everyone out when life isn’t going “as planned” in my world. Which means there hasn’t been a whole lot of socializing of late. Not that I haven’t been putting myself out there in social situations… I just choose specific, timed, “monthly” social events. Safe. Distant.
I’ve even dialed back my online socializing.

I feel like I’m in a big transition period. My Chinese symbol is “snake”, the characteristics of which I completely related to. Right now I am molting a layer it seems. I feel like sometimes I am looking out at the world through someone else’s eyes. Like life is happening around me, but I am not in control of it.

“They” (whoever they are) say you will eventually get so frustrated with your situation, no matter what it is, that you will say “that’s enough” and begin to make the changes necessary to fix it.
I believe this is where I am. I just don’t know the “fix” yet.
I do know I have to be kinder to myself first and foremost.
I need to make changes not as a punishment, but rather as a gift.

anyway… that is enough brain purging for right now. More later…


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