broken… but not quite

Everyday is becoming harder and harder to convince myself to get out of bed. Let alone get dressed, leave the house and go to work.

I feel like I am duct tapped and bandaged and hanging by strings from two sticks. Able to function on the surface, but peel away the layers, or cut the strings holding me up, and I will crumble.

It reminds me of when I played baseball as a teenager. I took a line drive to the ankle in a game (on top of several other bad bounces throughout the season) and it bruised the bone. A sliver of good bone remained in the very centre, but the rest was in bad shape. Not enough to cast it though. The doc said it would have been better to break it. It would be less painful and would heal faster.  But alas I would just have to keep it wrapped, and hobble about until it healed.

This is the state of my being right now. Life has “line driven” me several times this year. Again, I am not completely broken (non-functional) but rather severely bruised. To outsiders, I look and act completely fine. But I am not fine. That “sliver of good bone” is stressed and barely holding on.

I feel like a powder keg at work, like I’m gonna go postal at a moments notice, or the opposite, I sit there sooooo demotivated doing “busy” work to get to the end of my day so I can escape.

I do not believe in or back the direction the company is going in. And truthfully, I resent having to go along with it. I was never consulted about it, or asked my opinion (not that it would have mattered at all) I just keep getting shown awful squeeze pages, and marketing jargon, that as a consumer repulses me. And soon I will be handed a “phone script” to follow when this “big marketing initiative” gets rolled out to the waiting masses!

In the meantime, I’m squirreling away my money, and casually job searching, cause if this “big marketing initiative” doesn’t work, this company is toast. I almost feel guilty for not quitting right now as it would save them some money, and I really am less and less confident with each pay period that there will be money to pay me anyway.

All that said, I have decided I am taking some vacation days next week since I have only taken a 4 (5?) and don’t want to end up getting short changed again this year. (I never got to use all my days last year and NO Roger, the days when the office is closed DON’T count) And I really need a bunch of days in a row to just “be” and clear my head before I snap.

Plus, if I end up without a job soon, A) I know I won’t get any severance, backpay or vacation pay B) I’ll have to jump into a job right away, so no down time.

I just want my jaw to unclench and my shoulders to release from around my ears… ya know?


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