it’s just a matter of time now…

My cat is dying. (yes I know… not very positive, sorry)

But it’s a reality that I face now every morning when I wake up and he’s not on the end of my bed.
Every afternoon when I walk in the door after work and he doesn’t greet me.
Every night when I go to bed and he doesn’t “tuck me in”.
It’s like he’s slowing weaning me off of him, so it won’t be as much of a shock when he finally lets go and leaves me.

He is not in any discernible pain from what I can surmise. He is just very slow, and weakening. He is still managing to drink water and eat a few pieces of kibble, but mostly he just sleeps.

And my heart is breaking into a thousand little pieces every day anticipating the inevitable. It feels like someone has a hold of my heart and is just squeezing it.
I feel like I’m suffocating.

It’s my mother all over again. I watched her die. There was nothing I could do about it. It was a waiting game. I knew it was coming. I was prepared for it. And as the final days ticked by, I felt much like I feel now. Overwhelmingly sad and helpless.

I go through the day like a brave soldier, then from the moment I walk in the door until I go to bed I weep. The tears just flow involuntarily, the lump in my throat constant.
I try to distract myself with tv and chores, but it’s taken hold.
It’s a muscle memory now. A full body grief muscle memory. I know how to do this. I’m a fucking pro by now.
My mother, my dad, my grandparents… all formed the little holes in my broken swiss cheese of a heart. And now I feel another one forming.

Here’s the ironic thing. Skitzo (yes that’s his name) has been part of my life for longer than probably everyone I know, or have known. He’s 21.
I know I should be beside myself with gratitude.
21 is a redonkulous lifespan for a pet and I’m being incredibly selfish wanting for more.
But he is my whole family right now.

I picked him fresh from a litter of misfit kittens when he was only weeks old, and fit in the palm of my hand, and he’s been my companion ever since. For most of my adult life actually.
And he’s been there through it all.

He was the one that snuggled with me while I cried through the break ups and the lost jobs and the deaths. He was the one that made me smile and laugh with his “mad half hours” and “pay attention to ME!” crazy ways.

He’s been my sounding board, my heating pad, my roommate, My friend.
He is an amazing cat, irreplaceable I’m sure, and I am spending as much time as I can just petting him and loving him as much as possible while he is still here. (without annoying him too much)

The funny part is that for all of our time together, when I would cry, he would be there, on my lap, or beside me, or behind me on the back of the couch, one paw on my shoulder. He was the one that comforted me. I guess I have to figure out how to go it alone now.

One of my favorite pics. How we spent most of our days, while I was working from home. When he would finally give up on blocking me from the computer, he would just chillax beside it while I worked. I am going to miss him in ways I will not be able to comprehend I’m sure.

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