August 1st, 2011…

Dear Diary…

LOL… that is just so random.
I used to write that in my paper diaries way back when. I really should keep a paper diary as well as this one for more personal, deep stuff, though this one isn’t much of a diary of late. Or I could just be more dedicated to this one. It’s not like I really edit myself anyway…

Speaking of random, I had such random dreams the last week or so. Vivid, and odd, and a little off putting. I realized I let people walk all over me while I sleep too. Great. Just fucking great. I literally RAN from a situation, UP HILL, in my dream this morning, then woke up. *sigh*

I did a lot of nothing this weekend. Part of me is a little pissed off at myself, and the other part thinks, fuck it! I needed some time just to sit and be still and quiet and distracted. If that means watching 4 movies, and an entire season of a cooking show, so be it.

I spoke to 3 people this weekend. The lady at Olives Olives (where I bought a small bottle of white balsamic… yum!) Lynn Crawford, uber chef extraordinaire at the opening of her new store (who makes me a little star struck quite honestly, and I can’t wait to take one of her cooking classes/demos) and the girl at the clothing store in the underground on the way to the subway, who struck up a conversation and with whom I discussed movies with for about 5 mins. That’s it. 3 conversations, 4 days off.

My solitude, though valued, scares me a little. I choose it, I know, but I also know deep down that it’s a protective measure.
Everyone I know has significant others, and new babies (human & canine), and old babies, and money, and lives. Rather than being shut out, I shut myself out. It’s safer. Better to plan to be alone than to hope for company and be left alone.
And I’m really, really good at it.
I excel at solo dining, and solitary movie going, and solo travel (though without any money, that is not remotely an option)

I still feel “stuck”. (better word than “trapped”, which is really how I feel, but “stuck” is less panic inducing)
I took a quick look on the job market. There is nothing out there really. I mean, if push comes to shove, there are plenty of jobs I can slip into, but for me to actively “rock the boat” at this point… pretty stupid move on my part. If and when the time comes (and I believe it will come, as I don’t really believe their heart is in this anymore, and they will move onto some other project without much thought or advance warning) I will actively put my stuff out there, but for now, it’s just too depressing to look.

On the bright side, I have managed to mostly detach myself from the job emotionally though. I had to, cause it was just making me too angry otherwise. I made the mistake of actually thinking about something work related this afternoon, and I immediately got mad. I need to compartmentalize it more I guess, and care about it less.

I’m still considering starting my own racing site… though I haven’t really had the time or desire to write anything for the two I contribute to now to be honest. Again, maybe that’s a sign too. I spend all my spare time and money going to races and capturing the action via words and pictures, but what do I get in return? I get used, put down, passed over, and spend the rest of my time working my ass off to get out of the financial hole I’m in. I did secure the new name and url and twitter account… so, we’ll see.

ok… guess it’s time to pack up my computer and head home. (though the breeze is just so lovely on this patio)
Laundry must be done as tomorrow reality hits yet again, and I’m back to the grind.
At least it’s a short week.


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