full circle…

angry.

I was so angry last night. Like spitting mad angry. Stomach churning, eyes burning a hole through things angry.

I HATE being that mad.

I almost opened the computer and let loose, but instead I tried to distract myself through tv and reading. That didn’t really work, but it made me calm down enough to go to bed.

My cat helped to. He was all purry and cuddly and “love me mommy” which again makes you stop and check yourself.

It’s not that I had to work until 9pm (yes, a twelve hour day) I am not adverse to working, working hard, or working overtime. I willingly do it when I have to. It’s the fact that it’s the same shit everytime. ALL avoidable. We, our business model, are the definition of insanity. We do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.

I actually said to my boss last night, “just let me be mad”

I have a right to be mad. I’m a human fucking computer. There is a lot of pressure on certain days, because I am doing the work of about 10 people and a website. It has to be done, whether I like it or not, so I get it done. But I don’t have to be Polly fucking perky about it. Maybe he doesn’t realize I work better and way more efficiently when I’m pissed off. The attempt to control the rage actually focuses me to a sharp point. LOL!

The 2 hr commute home didn’t help either. Diversions then a stupid human error. It happens I know, but at the end of an already long frustrating day, it was the cherry on top of the shit sundae. I was actually tempted to just pop open the Sir Perry’s I had picked up at the LCBO and sit on a curb and drink it and have a good cry. Instead I seethed all the way home, and realized I was making eye-contact with people in a way that probably felt like I was stealing their soul. If I had “eye-killing” super powers, I would have been a serial killer by the time I got to the subway station.

Anyway… I didn’t end up drinking my Sir Perry’s or any alcohol last night. (I have a rule that if I say or think “I need a drink” I’m not allowed to have one) (alcoholism runs in my family so I’m careful about that) I also didn’t eat anything besides a Lara bar. Mostly because I didn’t have anything convenient to eat, and mostly because it was after 11pm when I even got home. So by the time the tension in my jaw loosened enough to actually chew, it would have been midnight.

So I had a good, long, exhaustive and I guess rejuvenating sleep. I got up, did a little work *sigh*, looked around my disaster of an apartment and my empty fridge and thought, no… I’m taking a couple of hours for me. So I tossed my laptop in my bag, threw on some comfy jeans and a sweatshirt and headed out to find some nosh. I  landed at “The Old Nick”, had a lovely eggs benny with prosciutto, sundried tomatoes and boccaccini  cheese, which they served with a side of salad and beautiful fruit (to make up for the gluten laden bun and potatoes) serenaded by swing music and dim lighting, a cool breeze and endless refils of coffee. My body tension is slowly returning to normal.

Happy.

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