Lost…

I feel like I am drowning in my own existence.

I don’t understand how I can have a fulltime job and a part time job, and yet be so strapped for cash that I can’t do ANYTHING!

I don’t understand how having “security” is actually less secure and more stressful than the days I did contract work and didn’t know where or when the next job was coming from.

The things that make me happy, don’t anymore. For a plethora of reasons. Mostly though because I’m too poor to enjoy them.

I would love to go to a show. Can’t. Poor.
I would love to take a course of some sort. (cooking, photography,) Can’t Poor.
I would love to buy a cute little summer outfit or two. Can’t. Poor. (and fat)
I would love to go to one of those amazing restaurants I read about or walk by, filled with happy rich people stuffing their faces with delicious food while washing it down with fancy looking drinks. Can’t. Poor. (and fat, and alone)
I would love to… bah… you get the picture.

I walk around aimlessly most days, figuratively and literally, “window shopping” everyone else’s lives while they actually live them.

I realized today I am constantly on the verge of tears.
I’m sure it has a lot to do with hormones. That is a whole other ball of “DO NOT WANT” that has been lobbed my way recently.

I’ve caught up on every tv show and watched every movie trying to find escape and fill my time for free.
I hate that I’m trying to find escape.

And now I’m so broke that I can’t make any long term plans, so my one true happy place is all of a sudden not accessible to me.

I don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to past July, and that is a pretty sad prospect.

Anyway, I found myself in Indigo on my way home tonight. Oh, how I do love bookstores.
They were having a sale and I had my trusty iRewards card and had just deposited a cheque for $52.50 that I forgot about, (found money!) so I thought what the hell. I don’t have to be skinny or in a relationship to read a good book! I can read them slowly, and anywhere so it’s days of free entertainment. I tried to avoid books about marketing, or work or “finding” anything, just pure brain candy, and if you bought 3, you got one free! So I bought one “educational” book (on the hormone/diet connection to attempt to find sanity again) and 3 “just for fun” books I had been eying for a while. The total came to $54.60 LOL! (Luckily for me I got just under $34 in savings by buying sale items and using my card)(that card rocks) So really, I spent $2 for 4 books! (my logic, work with me!)

Now, if I could just find this place to read them…

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