Oh how I long for PB&J day.
Everything is so… complicated right now.
I feel trapped.
In my job. In my life. In my circumstances.
I don’t dare seek “happiness” right now. (that journey only lead me down a dark, nasty path earlier this year)
Being the only employee, I don’t have any colleagues to commiserate with over drinks afterwork. (I likely wouldn’t have anything to commiserate over if I had colleagues…) (strike that, I probably would actually have more crap to deal with and not want to hang out with them if history is any indicator)
I did have a good vent session last week with someone who stopped short of smacking me a la Cher and screaming “snap out of it”. She told me I was in an abusive relationship and told me to send her my resume.
I DON’T want to start fresh, again. Yes, something has to change soon at work or I’m gonna lose my shit in a big way. But I don’t think I’m at the “find another job” stage. Plus unlike my colleague before me, I’m not about to walk and leave the company dangling without a suitable replacement. I want to turn this back into the job it was when I was first hired. I want the company to turn back into the idealistic company it was who hired me.
I want to be able to live my life now and plan for my future. Right now, I have to choose between those two things. Actually there is a third variable in there as well. Most of the time I am not actually “living” my life. I am surviving, week to week, day to day, choosing between things, and people. Between having and not having. Between being happy for a moment or bitter for many moments.
I don’t want to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t like feeling like the rug is about to be pulled out from under me. (which is how I’ve been feeling lately)
I don’t want to have to put off meeting friends for drinks or buying underwear (or FOOD) until the next pay period because somehow I have to make this $14.65 last 6 days.
2 yrs I’ve been at this job. 2yrs of unpaid overtime, and no cost of living raise, and no bonuses. And all the while I make excuses and justify it.
as my voice of reason pointed out there are no medals for being a martyr.
Anyway… I’m sending her my resume to tweak at least.
At the very least I may be able to pick up another side job.