blowing through the jasmine in my mind…
What the hell does that mean anyway? There is no jasmine in my mind. I don’t even know what jasmine looks like.
So here it is, June. So far I really suck at blogging this year.
I got off to such a good start, but then just lost interest. Well, ok not really, I’ve had lots to say, and I’ve composed many entries in my head, I just spend so much fucking time on the computer, that when I would sit down to “blog” I would get distracted by a million other things that “had” to be done or I would fall asleep.
I think I’m in a better place than I was at the beginning of the year. I’m still not in a particularly “good” place though. This is definitely a transition year. A “thinky” year. A wistful year. A purge the annoying, wish for more kind of year.
I’m still working too much, making too little. I also realized recently that we don’t have nearly as many weddings booked this summer, which means my race funding is basically nil this year. (wish I had figured that out before I spent all the money I have so far on races this year) Guess it’s time to look for some other supplemental income… *sigh*… or find a cheaper hobby. Why is one fulltime job not enough??
anyway… it’s summer. I wish that made me happy. It just makes me self conscious and lonely. I spend way too much time figuring out what to wear before I leave the house so as not to bombard the unsuspecting public with my flub. Then I get out there and I am bombarded by everyone else’s flub, which grosses me out and reinforces my own self hatred.
I wish I could just care less about what I look like. I wish I could put on a pair of shorts and a tank top and head down to the waterfront or sit on the beach. But I can’t. Unless I remove all the reflective surfaces from the planet. Then of course the thought of running into anyone with my obese self exposed is mortifying.
On the good news side of things, I did get to go to the Indy 500 this year. 2 weekends in a row actually. One was spontaneous and unplanned. 2042 km of driving in 2.5 days! ha! crazy, but fun. I love road trips. I love the freedom of traveling alone.
The following weekend was the actual race weekend. This was planned and scheduled, with flights and hotels, etc… What wasn’t planned was the fact that I worked my real job the entire day Fri/Sat when I wasn’t on the track shooting. This was immensely stressful, frustrating, and essentially ruined the weekend for me as I was never able to really get into the flow and be in the moment, worrying about my job and what was going to be awaiting me when I got home. It was a colossal waste of vacation days and money.
Anyway… it’s done, and I’m poor as a church mouse. Thankfully I don’t have any races on the schedule until July. It’s in Toronto, so there is no travel or hotel involved. I make a little extra cash from a couple of singing gigs in June and a wedding, so I can plan a couple of late season races with that.
meh… shitty update, but really, this is my life. Work, work, work, racing weekend, work. Little to no social life, so nothing to talk about or coo over. There are few friends, zero romance other than the mystery man that appeared in my dream last week. (damn he was fine, and sweet, and I wish I knew where he came from & when I was going to meet him or if he was just a wishful manifestation) So very little to chat about.
I’m in a funk. Not a total funk, just a thinky funk. Hopefully the summer will unfold in a non-funky way, and I’ll have more to write about as it goes forward