or just cruel timing? Who knows.
I hit the wall yesterday afternoon. The universe delivered one more blow to my already beaten and battered psyche, and I think I just gave up.
My inner dialogue was vile and dizzying, and I was “mad at the world” angry and so tense trying to keep myself from bursting into tears on the commute home, that I physically felt nauseous. By the time I got to the bus station I felt like a caged animal, so I walked the rest of the way home, the tears now spilling over onto my cheeks, no regard for what the weather was doing at that point.
While my instinct was to drink myself into a stupor, I wisely made some dinner first, and only had 2 glasses of wine.
By bedtime however I was still feeling very sick, and now I had that burning itch in the upper back of my throat and chest.
Had I brought this on?
Has all of this negativity and self pity manifested itself as a physical illness? Have I worn down my resistance so badly over the past weeks of poor eating and sleeping that I haven’t even noticed I was getting sick? No idea where else it could have come from. I’ve not been around anyone who is sick. (not consciously anyway)
So today I took it easy in the morning, had breakfast in bed and watched a bunch of back episodes of Oprah instead of doing the full day at the Social Media conference. I did however go for the afternoon. Figured I could use the distraction and I would berate myself for not going, so might as well suck it up buttercup!
I also went for a long walk, this time without an inner dialogue or tears. (though I was still dizzy at times) Actually, I was singing Christmas carols because the snow was falling so beautifully it reminded me of a December evening. (maybe not the wisest decision to walk so long as it seems to have made this mung drop and settle into my chest… coughing a lot now)
I’ve been careful to take in lots of fluids (non-alcoholic lol) and made sure to eat. Tonight I will take it easy and go to bed early. Tomorrow I will play by ear.
I do honestly feel a weight has lifted. Maybe I needed to mentally and physically purge. Maybe all the anger and sadness I’ve been literally and figuratively swallowing is finally fighting its way out.
or maybe the universe just has a fucked up sense of humour and timing, I just caught a bug at the right/wrong time.