and so it… ends? begins? stays the same?

Date: January 3rd
Mood: dark and thinky

Well, I guess technically my “vacation” officially ends tomorrow morning. (though I was working on and off throughout the break, including today, so I don’t feel as rested as I should)

Hopefully what will also end is this mung. Yesterday I sniffled and sneezed and snotted with such velocity I swear I lost brain matter. Today it, The Plague ™, had settled into my throat/chest. Not much blowing/sneezing, but rather that feeling of being weighted down, or sat upon by a large mammal.

I set my alarm to get up early to help at a photoshoot, and immediately texted the boss to say I wasn’t fit to be anywhere near humans. (it was wishful thinking on my part that I would be good to go) (see I have no patience for being sick, and therefore live in denial that any bugs I do finally succumb to will magically vanish after 24hrs)

After a brief mid-morning nap, I did a little work, then got pissed off that I was “doing a little work” on what is supposed to be a day off (and my last one at that) and shut the lid on the computer to watch mindless tv. It was all “2011! Resolutions! Goals! Start now! You can do it! Rah rah fucking rah!”

I am really struggling with my outlook this first week of the new year. I am wondering how I am going to snap out of my own personal funk in order to convincingly perform my job. I’m supposed to be writing copy and helping to run a business to “motivate” people to change their lives for the positive, starting well… now, and yet here I sit, exhausted, treading water in the deep end of a dark, miserable pool.

I feel like I need to put blinders on to everyone else’s lives as a start. Today alone I found out a friend’s sister was part winner in the $50 Million Lotto Max jackpot (ya, I bought a ticket) someone else got gifted a new ipad just cuz, and that former co-worker of mine (the one who got paid more, worked less, job hunted on the bosses dime, then left for a better job with a huge salary) ya someone posted “congrats on the new house” on his wall. :facepalm: Seriously?

I meanwhile can’t afford a metropass this month, to take me to the job that will once again consume every waking hour.

I feel, at this moment, that I have NOTHING to look forward to this year, except the obscene expectations being laid upon me at work. I can’t plan for any races. (which is probably why I have all but removed myself from the scene, so I don’t feel as devastated about missing out on it) I feel as though I will be expected to work beyond my 9-5hrs this year, because I did last year. But I don’t WANT to HAVE do that for another year. I want my job to be my job, and my life to be more than being grateful for 2 days off in a row on the odd weekend so I can do my laundry and maybe see a movie.

Fuck I’m a Debbie Downer right now. How can you stand to read this shit!? I hate myself. I’m hoping it’s just a severe lack of nutrients and sleep that is making me this awful.

signing off to watch the IIHF semi final between Canada and USA. Please boys, give me something good to hang onto…


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