The obligatory self-absorbed year-end reflection…

My horoscope on the final day of 2010…

“Today you may get the opportunity to feel proud of yourself. But don’t let things get too out of hand. It isn’t often that you allow yourself this little bit of narcissism. Everything you say will be pertinent, and people will let you know. For once, the stars are giving you the opportunity to cater to your own ego, so take advantage of it!”

Everyone is making resolutions, being grateful for the year that’s past and the year that lays ahead.

I do not want to do that. I don’t want to make big plans. I don’t want to believe that this coming year is going to be any better than any of the years just past.
I don’t want to make a list of lofty goals and fill my plate with a bunch of crap to satisfy everyone else’s idea of who I am and who I should want to be.

I’m tired! I’m not a gypsy anymore. I just want to relax into my life finally. I’ve been working since I was 11! That’s 34yrs non-stop cept for about 6 months between 2008-09. (and even then I worked odd jobs throughout to keep a roof over my head)

You know what I want this year?

I want my 9-5 job to be 9 to 5, not 24-7.
I want to do the job of ONE person, not 4.
I want to work to LIVE not live to WORK.

I want to not have to give up the things I love because even though I work 2 jobs, I still live cheque to cheque, have an empty bank account and don’t have a true sense of job security.

You know what I don’t want?
I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for not wanting “more!!” all the time.
I don’t want to set goals, or start a new side business, or reinvent myself for the umpteenth time.

I’ve been there, done that. It’s a fruitless effort.
The effort = reward scenario may work for others, but it has never worked for me. The harder I work, the more other people reap the benefits. The more I get shit on.

I can probably count on one hand the weeks I actually worked “40” hrs this year.
Most days I was first in, last out. If I got out of the office by 6pm, that was considered early. There were a couple of months, at the height of the hell when my workload doubled, that I worked 12-14hr days, 7 days a week.
Yes I said months.

What do I have to show for it?
A raise? nope.
A fabulous vacation? nope.
A bank account full of money? nope.

I picked up many dropped balls, covered many miss-steps, watched people who didn’t do their jobs get gobs of money, and watched someone with the work ethic of a pirate get rewarded for it not only at his current job, but by being offered a better job.

Ya, reading back over this for spelling I realize this is a little “woe is me”, but you know what? I don’t give a fuck right now.
I’m angry. I’ve been angry for a while now, but because I’m such a good little worker bee, I swallowed that anger and got on with the task at hand.

I don’t like the rock the boat. I never have. Sure I can be a mouthy son of a bitch for others, but there are no consequences for those opinions. See, the pattern of my life has been this: Stand up for others, they flourish. Stand up for myself, well, sucks to be me.

I get told all the time how valuable I am, how amazing I am, how deserving I am,  yet every time I’ve ever stood up and asked for bigger or better, or just the basics of what I should get because I actually dared to believe I deserved it, I’ve lost out big time.

I talk a good game, but I don’t trust this world or many of the people in it. I don’t allow myself to believe I am deserving of more and better, because anytime I do, the universe cuts me down in my tracks.

Did I stand up for myself at the end of this year, as the opportunity to use my vacation days dwindled? nope. I silently hoped that it would work out, but alas it didn’t. Did I have a choice? not if I want to have a job to come into in the new year. That is just the way the gluten free cookie crumbles.

And as for 2011… what can I look forward to? Well, it’s down to just me and the boss now. So, my workload has doubled yet again. (if you’re keeping count, it has now quadrupled since I started working)
I made the mistake of saying I wanted to do a little more of the PR/Marketing once we get someone else in the office to pick up some of my tasks.
What happened? Well, I am now I am expect to be the entire PR/Marketing dept. (cause the professionals we paid the gobs of money to didn’t produce anything) (no pressure….)
oh, and I’m still the chief cook and bottle washer too. When I walk into my office next week, I will be the entire office staff. bwahaha! No wonder my body is shutting down and betraying me in these final days of “rest”.

I spent what should have been my 3rd “vacation” day going into the office yesterday and having a mini panic attack as the reality of what I have to look forward to became apparent. I went to bed thinking about work, I dreamt about work, I woke up thinking about work, I spent my morning working on work stuff.

Happy fucking upcoming new year. I’m exhausted and it hasn’t even started yet.


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