I was recently contemplating my purpose in life and feeling bad about essentially not really having one.
Then today I thought about all the doors I hold open, all the heavy bags, shopping carts, and strollers I help carry up and down stairs, and on and off streetcars.
All the coffees and sandwiches I buy for people on the street.
All the scarves and mittens and hats I chase after people with to return to their rightful owner.
All the directions I give, and questions I answer for random strangers.
All the babies I distract mid-meltdown so mommy (or daddy) can get through the checkout line …
And that’s when it dawned on me… Maybe my purpose in life isn’t one thing, or title, or grand gesture, but rather the multitude of tiny random acts of kindness and servitude I provide during daily travels.
I made a very simple resolution this year – Seek Kindness
1) be kind to myself
2) change the conversation in my head
3) find the positive in every situation spiraling into the darkness.
This isn’t something measurable really, nor is it something I can boast about on my social media channels as some sort of accountability exercise. (Such as marking the number of days smoke free, or another pound/inch lost)
I am the sole “accountabilibuddy” on this journey. No one but me hears the conversations in my head. The vile, mean thoughts aimed at myself. (Thanks god!)
So I am the only one who can who can intervene.
Gosh I miss my dad. Life keeps spiralling lately, and I feel very… untethered, like I could blow away at any moment. I’ve lost all confidence in myself… again… only he’s not here to tell me it’s all gonna be ok, to “give my head a shake”, or to cook me that ridiculous meal of liver and spinach (because he was always worried I wasn’t eating right)
I realized today that I’m not jealous, or rather envious I should say, of people’s “things”.
I see “The ladies who lunch” in their fancy duds, with their shopping bags from designer stores, and I merely shrug.
That’s not me. Never really has been.
I don’t even get the same tinge of green when I see posts of luxurious dinners from restaurant openings I’ve been excluded from. Meh. I couldn’t afford to eat there anyway, so it would be a fleeting moment at best.
But where I do feel a tug at my gut is seeing friends afforded the luxury of education and meaningful employment. That is what incites the green eyed monster from deep within.
Here’s the thing, when one “accepts” your apology, they are not absolving you of your indiscretions or actions towards them. They are merely “accepting” your guilt, and your need to be let off the hook for your bad behaviour.
“Acceptance” is not forgiveness.
It’s just a way for everyone to move on without more carnage.
Keep that in mind the next time you feel the need to apologize for something.
Keep that in mind the next time you feel the need to apologize to me.
All year I’d planned on running the Midnight Run on New Year’s Eve here in Toronto. I’ve been running like a beast all year and I thought what better way to kick off the new year than to RUN full throttle into it at the stroke of midnight!
But as it grew closer, and after much deliberation, I decided I just couldn’t in good conscience justify the $95 (pre-tax) entry fee, especially since I have no desire to “party” and can’t eat or drink any of the post race offerings. Plus, given the circumstances of my year leading up to it, it simply seemed… wrong. Continue reading Midnight Run & Party – ’14→
You thought I was gonna say “me” didn’t you? Well, that just seemed so fucking cliche as it was coming out of the tip of my fingers, no matter how true the sentiment may reveal itself to be later on this coming year. Continue reading New Year… New…→